energy management...

To me, it is a holiday everyday (I don't have a job to go to at specific hours) but the official red public holidays allow me to live life a bit slower, with more room to contemplate and take things at a slower pace. As everyone is either taking a sabbatical from the handy gadgets and more so vacationing out of town, I get to pause every so often and pay more attention to the projects I am working on. It gives me the much needed break to check in and calibrate, to take stock and ensure that I am on the right path, spending my time on things that I care about, surround myself with the right people, while making the most of the time I have when interruption is minimal. I cherish periods like this for mental clarity. 

Having said that, I am becoming more selective when it comes to job interviews I am offered. I'd make sure at the start that my potential employers share my vision in education, that the working hours fit into my schedule, and that I am not prepared to lower my salary expectation just because I am desperate. At the same time, I am more aware of my energy supply and stop fighting my body clock. Never been an early riser, I would need to adjust my priorities to ensure that I finish at least one of my most important tasks for the day; knowing full well that I can't possibly be productive the whole time. I manage to get most done in the afternoon and then again early in the morning. They are my peak hours and albeit 'atypical' to the majority of the population who work 9-6pm in a cubicle, I might as well accept my idiosyncrasy and work around my personal clock. 

I have no intention to become a morning person any time soon. Depending on the type of energy I have at different times of the day, I tackle tasks accordingly and as a result, I get to do the best work without forcing myself to be a zombie.

Why aren't we dead yet?

People in all walks of life lose hope every day and I am one of them; especially after an extended period of unemployment with zero income and working on art projects which don't pay the bills. However, I do in fact get invited to plenty of job interviews over the year which could be a clue to my critical self that I am not worthless; and that there are indeed people out there who acknowledge my talent, appreciate my effort and impressed by my CV.

Maybe there is a reason that I am still alive. Yes, karma could very well be one of them but there is always something meaningful left to experience and appreciate before our time is up. Living in the moment is a lifetime practice. The present moment is all the life there ever is. I need to learn to enjoy the little things which add up to become my lifespan. Instead of wasting my life away, I must learn something new everyday and be a student of life. There is so much I don't know about and this is the chance for me to pick up whatever knowledge I can and reach out for the richest experience being offered while I am still breathing. 

I am not afraid of death, which is part of human evolution. While I am glad that I don't get to live forever, I intend to make use of the time I have to give my best shot in whatever I do. The earth continues to spin and life goes on regardless but I can at least have a good night of sleep without regret. As an old soul who has lived through many tough situations, I always emerge stronger and more powerful than ever after each blow. I guess there will be many more setbacks and obstacles ahead of me considering I am still in one piece.

Being alive gives us a chance to make a positive difference to our fellow human beings. I personally see this as my opportunity to pay it forward, to inspire and to encourage, to give people back to themselves. Having said that, how can we be unworthy if we have so much to give? 

I might be feeling the least fortunate person on earth but the fact that I am not dead means my journey is not over. This simple fact alone is proof that I still have something meaningful to achieve.

busier than ever...

You might be wondering how someone could possibly be burnt out when she hasn't got a job to wake up to, no family and kids of her own, and basically stress-free from the coming holiday season like most families are. There is no gift to buy and no meal to cook, let alone party celebrations which are a must in her prime years. YET, I am so so exhausted. I probably have too much on my plate without being aware of it.

Well, to cut the story short, here are some items that stand out on my To-Do list:

• working super hard on my e-magazine, including learning to use InDesign (which is a bit of a struggle for someone who is technology phobic, looking for contributions from artists, creating content and articles and finishing the last module of the course
• sending out job applications and attending interviews (an average of 3-4 interviews a week)
• visiting different expos related to what I do, gathering information, going through the pile, and liaise with potential employers (I'll need another card holder for the business cards I have collected)
• transfer all important details to my new planner for 2014
• write postcards to friends I wish to keep in contact with and post them out before postal deadline
• submit application to TDC for retail space 
• reply to emails which are long overdue
• start planning for a getaway in Summer next year if I still haven't got a job by then
• blogging and producing my newsletter SLLM
• and of course there are household chores and errands to run

And I have about 15 days to complete 80% of the above. I am already having a headache just by looking at the list.

Well, I guess this is how I am going to approach:

1. prioritise the tasks according to their importance and urgency
2. write them down in my Steno Notes
3. schedule in my planner, 3 tasks a day max
4. focus on the tasks 
5. take breaks and rest on days when I don't feel like being productive
6. Make art on red holidays when I'll be alone at home or volunteer 
7. and make the red days technology free

Looks like this is gonna be a full-on workload to keep me pretty occupied till January.

The definition of sexiness...

I was going through my photo albums the other day and couldn't help to pick out the 'old me' of 20 odd years ago. I couldn't believe how pretty and attractive I was and looking into the mirror today makes me want to puke. How could such a stunning beauty become someone fat and ugly?

I am responsible for the way I turn out to be. I don't give a f* how I look to others, I stopped exercising because of chronic eczema, and of course aging plays a part too. However, botox is the last thing on my mind. 

To cheer myself up, I had my hair cut real short (tomboyish) yesterday and I feel good about it. Yes, it is a bold decision but I am pleased that it suits me and my personality; and it is not a style most faces can wear. My confidence returns.

Yes, it is a harsh fact that I am no longer the pretty old me but sexiness is a state of mind, a comfortable state of being. To be sexy without pouty lips and hour glass figures, I find the following character traits to be the best indicator:

1. Have your own signature style. Stand up for your values and beliefs.
2. Self-confidence is the key. Believe that you are worthy and valuable and be comfortable in your own skin.
3. Making a difference in others' lives is part of your self ID.
4. Live a life of passion and purpose.
5. Be responsible for how your life unfold.
6. Live a life of honesty. Liars are never sexy!
7. Be authentic. Accept yourself for who you are and what you like.

Our superficial culture honors the young and the thin. Supermodels are humans too and aging is something they must face up to sooner or later. Instead of focusing my time and energy on 'making' myself beautiful, I choose to go deeper and work on deepening my intelligence, expanding my wisdom, enjoy the many life experiences, and strengthen my character. This is my interpretation of 'sexiness'.

Perceptions of beauty are different all over the world and they change over time. What matters is not how you look to others but how you look at yourself. What do you think?