Alone or Lonely?

I was bullied at school.
I became a social butterfly at university.
I was involved with someone for 9 years.
Many lovers throughout the years.
I became alone after the breakup.
I am alone but not lonely.

I learned not to be. The hard way. And I am pretty good at that.
I am single. I hardly have any friends whom I can count on. I live with my mother and she is the only relative I have. 
I travel alone. I dine alone. I seldom ask for help if at all.
I am intolerant of endlessly socializing and constant connecting.
Having a smartphone doesn't help.
Being alone is so so empowering and  freeing.
All the more reason I need space and time spent alone.

I have learnt to trust myself and become self-sufficient. 
I hate to be dependent on others, especially in a relationship.
I am okay just as I am, without anyone to complete me; or to keep me company.
I am happy by myself.

There are plenty of things I can do alone.
I tend to work on self-initiated projects that speak to me.
I pour myself into work that I am passionate about.
I get to know more about myself in the process.

Don't we all land on this earth alone? 
We spent 9 months alone in our mothers' wombs.
We take our first breath alone.
Knowing that we are going to leave this earth alone, I am no longer be afraid of loneliness.
It simply doesn't exist.
There are so many others out there who are alone.
Think of the prisoners locked in cells.
Think of the abandoned elders without a shelter.

And we all need solitude and get real quiet.
I enjoy listening to my own heart beat.
Being alone doesn't mean I am lonely.
Being lonely doesn't mean I am alone.
I choose to be alone rather than to be in bad company.
I prefer to live and speak my truth.
I am stronger than I thought I were.

Maybe that is the very reason why I choose teaching as a career.
Nurturing others through teaching fills the emptiness.
I consider myself a loner.
That is why I like to keep my pad spotless.
That is why I am in love with the nature.
That is why I meditate.
That is why I hardly watch TV.
Nothing beats the joy of creating something of value.
I am comfortable being alone.

The beauty of aging...

First breath of life. Aging. Sickness. Death. The phases of life we all share as humans. Part and parcel of what contributes to life. The only way you don't get old is that you die young. I have difficulties accepting the harsh reality of life but the reality is right here and now, staring back at me in the mirror. It is indeed depressing to see my 'old self' changing , gradually fading away, never to be seen again. 

Having said that, there are certain things we must take into consideration to make the transition  a tiny bit easier. I am still looking for meaning and purpose of my life, even though half a century has passed me by. There is still time to make meaning and realise my purpose before my last breath. Physically I am out of shape but to me my body is just a tool I carry around like a machine and no amount of changing new parts is going to make it brand new again. Loss and grief are the twins we encounter more frequently as we age so be prepared for it. Age is no secret to me and I tend to act my age (if not older). I have no intention of stop learning and improving, trying new things is the only way I know how to be alive. I am learning to live in the present, forget the past and pause for the future which might not even exist! I like to stretch out of my comfort zone every now and then  and travelling is one of the many options to shake my life up. I can't see life works without changes. 

Yes, the years of living in a city overpopulated with humans who are in constant competition and comparison are tough, but I get wiser just the same because of that. There were successes and mistakes, which are all parts of the life journey in a continuum. I can see more grey areas these days and right / wrong is not as clear-cut as I thought they were. I tend to judge less and instead accept people the way they are albeit the many differences. Minimalism appeals to me a couple of years ago and I truly believe in 'less is more'. Instead of proffering unsolicited advice, I am now leading others back to themselves to get in touch with their core being. I am not ashamed of my scars and wounds all over my body as they are testimony to my life experiences. No-one is immune to that!

I still think of myself as beautiful; in my prime years and now just the way I am. Makeup free. I am confident in my own skin. This is what I have gathered from aging.

My BOLD and Beautiful Career Plans...

Now that I am no longer teaching kindergartens, I feel so much lighter and 'happier'; not that I don't like the little ones as they can be really adorable, I am just not cut out for that nor have the patience for them. I guess it's got to do with my personality and my educational background when academic results and improvement achieved by my older students are more cherished and which give me a sense of satisfaction. 

The more I teach the more I am lured into developing curriculum for the next generation. It might sound a bit bold but I have an urge to create a curriculum teaching English to French speakers. I have come across some refugees who speak zero English which makes it difficult to find a job in Hong Kong or anywhere else (except for French speaking countries). I am also interested in incorporating humane education into school curriculum after my online course is completed in November. 

Meanwhile, I am not neglecting the writing part which is my ultimate passion after all. You shall continue to see my blog and on top of it, I am hoping to be contributing to producing a newsletter for my workplace and maybe start guest blogging for more visibility. Having taught students privately (one-on-one) for over 12 years, I guess this is an ongoing path for me till retirement while I enjoy seeing the smile on my students' face. 

As tempting as it is, I might be going away to Melbourne for a few weeks in August just to escape the heat and get a breather. It all depends on whether I can find budget accommodation as it's been a while since I was back and I just don't like to intrude on my friends who have their own lives to live!

I can't breathe!!!

Yes, I have kept telling myself that it is best to accept Hong Kong as my base as long as Mom is here; and miraculously it has been working in the past but when the severity of global warming is slapping my face; this Summer is not gonna be much fun. I am suffocating from air which lacks oxygen and I feel nauseous and hallucinated when I am outside at 34C. I am craving fresh air so bad that I am researching accommodation and trying my luck to escape the next 2 months back in Melbourne. It is Winter there even though it can never be cold enough for me and my peculiar body composition. My skin disorder is not getting any better and I have booked an appointment to see a dermatologist on Monday; referred to me by my shrink as he was concerned about me self-medicating for such an extended period of time. 

Because of the heat, I am not eating much these days. Medication and green tea are my staple diet and the pain from the open wound and throbbing headaches from the sun is indeed a real torture. Now that I have quitted my part-time job teaching kindergartens, I am resting most of the week in bed, cooling myself off with ice pack. It seems that I have so many brilliant ideas to see through but how is it possible when you are chronically fatigued while coping with itchy and weepy skin wounds? I have so many art projects on hold as I can't maneuver my fingers to do the job. I doubt anyone could understand how frustrating and hopeless it is when you are pseudo-handicapped. Typing this blog takes me forever as my finger tips are bleeding. 

No, this is not a piece asking for mercy; please use this as a reminder of how fortunate you are when you have zero health problem or in pretty good shape. I shall keep posting wherever I will be in the coming weeks.