fed up with 'not being dead'

I was chatting with an old friend of mine the other day when the subject of life purpose came up followed by a pretty long conversation sharing our different perspectives. To me, life has come to a halt a few years ago when I stopped teaching privately and not having 'a job' for so long has brought about bouts of depressive episodes, with so much time in my hands and potential locked up inside of me, when my days were spent / wasted  watching DVDs, reading crime fictions and junk literature. I sleep a lot too as it's easier to kill time when unconscious. It seems to me that I am in the midst of retirement and it takes a lot of effort to keep myself alive. I could have easily shot myself in the head if I had a pistol on hand.

Life is just so meaningless it seems. There is nothing to do, nowhere to go. Nothing interests me and I feel like a wreck. I am just a mass occupying space. Is this what I get in exchange for freedom? I don't have a family, or dependents, not even friends. I don't have anything valuable in possession. I don't have a mortgage or a car. I am literally free from any attachment. I am free to take my life whenever I want as no-one would even notice. So what kind of life is this when there is nothing to look forward to, nothing to be responsible for and waking up in the morning being the worst nightmare?

Wouldn't it be neat if we could just turn our body off functioning and get out of this material world when we see fit?

On having enough...

So much money has been thrown into the sea of advertising and the only reason behind the facade is to sell things to consumers whose minds have been awashed with the false sense of security which they believe stuff could bring; and meanwhile being hooked on to the new and the latest like a parasite. Advertising implants a fantasy in our minds that we instantly want, with a feeling of lack wherever we turn to. I used to purchase fashion catalogue for my online purchase of work clothes and looking back, I am not sure if I was avant-garde or just plain dumb. I am no longer interested in the pretty boxed advertisement and a huge 'no junk' label is conspicuous on my letterbox. I opt out by not watching ads. I hated it when I see ads popping up on websites and I steer clear from them. Isn't it loud and clear that these are just gimmicks which warrant a psychological effects on our brains which can be detrimental if we don't put a stop to it?

I am hardly spending money these days. I guess the supply is much greater than my demand for stuff and it has come this far that I am no longer interested in getting more. I find window shopping pointless and exhausting. I have stopped visiting bookshops as my little home library is beaming with books which I haven't touched since the purchase. Thanks to the weather, I prefer to stay in in an air-conditioned room to being out in the scorching heat. I am also testing myself if I can survive without having something I always have such as my Chanel bleue. I believe I have the basic neccessities met so more things and more money doesn't make me any happier. 

The moment you decide on the road to minimalism, it is the beginning to an awareness as to how much you really need to be happy. There is no way back to the excesses offered by consumerism. Once you find a better way, there is no way back to the place your thoughts and actions lived before. When you have come to the realization that you already have enough, then you are ready to embark on the journey of unconsuming. That is liberation to me.

Excess=Success???

I am not claiming myself to be a die-hard minimalist but my experience with shopping malls recently has been quite revealing; I don't bother visiting them at all, including bookshops for this matter. Now that is alarming for a booklover like me.

It's not that I can't afford to buy things as there is always a plastic card nearby but I honestly find the process of shopping and purchasing dead boring, there is just too much of everything everywhere I look, and I am not impressed by the signs for sales at all. The excess is so obvious that it is entirely possible to ignore the whole facade and walk on by. 

What is success to you could be different from my definition and it is okay. However, success can never be equivalent to excessive material possessions. To me it is a sign of lacking confidence and a disguise used to boost up status and power. To me, it is just plain old dumb to cover the real you with a veil of false glamour, made up of faked diamonds and precious stones. In a way not unlike posting on Facebook and other similar platforms where one can brag about the purchase of the latest limited edition from the Channel warehouse. 

We are living in a world of excess. We buy in the name of a better economy. Even a child can see through the lie of this vicious cycle which is doing no-one any good but detrimental to the society and the environment. Do you dream of greater accomplishments, of something greater than material excess? I personally desire significance, influence, to be able to use my gifts to make the world better, that my life matters for something. Above all, I desire freedom and opportunity, to be known and accepted for who I am. I don't ever for once equate material excess with lasting success.

Money earned through honest means and real effort deserves recognition but how can we ever know the source of someone's income which affords him/ her a penthouse and a private plane? I believe there are better things to do with our hard earned cash than spending on accumulating excess. Then there is the environmental factor we should consider before we splurge. The wealth / poverty gap is big enough to show us what greed can do to the world. Comparison with others results in envy, and contentment is something far reaching and unattainable.

I am so so tired of this world of excessive consumerism and I know that I cannot change the world by myself which explains why I am constantly attracted to simple living and the nature found in Scotland and the countryside. I crave home-made gourmet and not frozen meals, I want to buy from the farmer's market, not chain supermarket, I like to see my time well spent on things that add value to myself and others, not to take up any job for the sake of the monthly paycheck. 

I am not rich but I have enough. I see myself pretty successful because I have made a positive impact on my students. I am enough.

CHILL out!

It is 34C right now and here I am tapping away at my desk in an air conditioned room, sipping a cup of masala tea. I had lunch with a friend earlier on in one of the most crowded tourist area and went straight home without checking out the malls like I used to. Too much unwanted noise, polluted air, and ridiculous traffic, I am so pleased to be back home and chill out!

I am the kind of people who need a lot of personal space and privacy. I used to be a social butterfly and a drama queen but as I get older, I prefer minimal socialization. I can always focus on my work but I must have my downtime in between to balance out. My favourite questions to myself when I am in the midst of overreacting, getting angry and frustrated are:

• Does it really matter?
• Who cares?
• Will it matter 5 years from now? or even 5 weeks from now?

These questions help me to instantly change my mood and mind.

Meanwhile, taking breaks throughout the day really helps as far as concentration / productivity is concerned. How do you take breaks? When do you take them? For how long do you take them? Make sure you don't wait until you burn out. As a start, I reject the idea of being connected 24/7 and that's why I don't have a smartphone. I don't want to be a slave to the virtual community and I like to have my own space (physical / virtual) to work on my own meaningful stuff. 

Being a workaholic myself, I enjoy what I do so I don't suffer from bouts of burnout. I take breaks by choice but it doesn't always have to follow work. I might take a break before getting my butt at the desk revamping my webpages; depending on how I feel at the time. Take a REAL break and not one by default!

Alone or Lonely?

I was bullied at school.
I became a social butterfly at university.
I was involved with someone for 9 years.
Many lovers throughout the years.
I became alone after the breakup.
I am alone but not lonely.

I learned not to be. The hard way. And I am pretty good at that.
I am single. I hardly have any friends whom I can count on. I live with my mother and she is the only relative I have. 
I travel alone. I dine alone. I seldom ask for help if at all.
I am intolerant of endlessly socializing and constant connecting.
Having a smartphone doesn't help.
Being alone is so so empowering and  freeing.
All the more reason I need space and time spent alone.

I have learnt to trust myself and become self-sufficient. 
I hate to be dependent on others, especially in a relationship.
I am okay just as I am, without anyone to complete me; or to keep me company.
I am happy by myself.

There are plenty of things I can do alone.
I tend to work on self-initiated projects that speak to me.
I pour myself into work that I am passionate about.
I get to know more about myself in the process.

Don't we all land on this earth alone? 
We spent 9 months alone in our mothers' wombs.
We take our first breath alone.
Knowing that we are going to leave this earth alone, I am no longer be afraid of loneliness.
It simply doesn't exist.
There are so many others out there who are alone.
Think of the prisoners locked in cells.
Think of the abandoned elders without a shelter.

And we all need solitude and get real quiet.
I enjoy listening to my own heart beat.
Being alone doesn't mean I am lonely.
Being lonely doesn't mean I am alone.
I choose to be alone rather than to be in bad company.
I prefer to live and speak my truth.
I am stronger than I thought I were.

Maybe that is the very reason why I choose teaching as a career.
Nurturing others through teaching fills the emptiness.
I consider myself a loner.
That is why I like to keep my pad spotless.
That is why I am in love with the nature.
That is why I meditate.
That is why I hardly watch TV.
Nothing beats the joy of creating something of value.
I am comfortable being alone.

The beauty of aging...

First breath of life. Aging. Sickness. Death. The phases of life we all share as humans. Part and parcel of what contributes to life. The only way you don't get old is that you die young. I have difficulties accepting the harsh reality of life but the reality is right here and now, staring back at me in the mirror. It is indeed depressing to see my 'old self' changing , gradually fading away, never to be seen again. 

Having said that, there are certain things we must take into consideration to make the transition  a tiny bit easier. I am still looking for meaning and purpose of my life, even though half a century has passed me by. There is still time to make meaning and realise my purpose before my last breath. Physically I am out of shape but to me my body is just a tool I carry around like a machine and no amount of changing new parts is going to make it brand new again. Loss and grief are the twins we encounter more frequently as we age so be prepared for it. Age is no secret to me and I tend to act my age (if not older). I have no intention of stop learning and improving, trying new things is the only way I know how to be alive. I am learning to live in the present, forget the past and pause for the future which might not even exist! I like to stretch out of my comfort zone every now and then  and travelling is one of the many options to shake my life up. I can't see life works without changes. 

Yes, the years of living in a city overpopulated with humans who are in constant competition and comparison are tough, but I get wiser just the same because of that. There were successes and mistakes, which are all parts of the life journey in a continuum. I can see more grey areas these days and right / wrong is not as clear-cut as I thought they were. I tend to judge less and instead accept people the way they are albeit the many differences. Minimalism appeals to me a couple of years ago and I truly believe in 'less is more'. Instead of proffering unsolicited advice, I am now leading others back to themselves to get in touch with their core being. I am not ashamed of my scars and wounds all over my body as they are testimony to my life experiences. No-one is immune to that!

I still think of myself as beautiful; in my prime years and now just the way I am. Makeup free. I am confident in my own skin. This is what I have gathered from aging.

My BOLD and Beautiful Career Plans...

Now that I am no longer teaching kindergartens, I feel so much lighter and 'happier'; not that I don't like the little ones as they can be really adorable, I am just not cut out for that nor have the patience for them. I guess it's got to do with my personality and my educational background when academic results and improvement achieved by my older students are more cherished and which give me a sense of satisfaction. 

The more I teach the more I am lured into developing curriculum for the next generation. It might sound a bit bold but I have an urge to create a curriculum teaching English to French speakers. I have come across some refugees who speak zero English which makes it difficult to find a job in Hong Kong or anywhere else (except for French speaking countries). I am also interested in incorporating humane education into school curriculum after my online course is completed in November. 

Meanwhile, I am not neglecting the writing part which is my ultimate passion after all. You shall continue to see my blog and on top of it, I am hoping to be contributing to producing a newsletter for my workplace and maybe start guest blogging for more visibility. Having taught students privately (one-on-one) for over 12 years, I guess this is an ongoing path for me till retirement while I enjoy seeing the smile on my students' face. 

As tempting as it is, I might be going away to Melbourne for a few weeks in August just to escape the heat and get a breather. It all depends on whether I can find budget accommodation as it's been a while since I was back and I just don't like to intrude on my friends who have their own lives to live!

I can't breathe!!!

Yes, I have kept telling myself that it is best to accept Hong Kong as my base as long as Mom is here; and miraculously it has been working in the past but when the severity of global warming is slapping my face; this Summer is not gonna be much fun. I am suffocating from air which lacks oxygen and I feel nauseous and hallucinated when I am outside at 34C. I am craving fresh air so bad that I am researching accommodation and trying my luck to escape the next 2 months back in Melbourne. It is Winter there even though it can never be cold enough for me and my peculiar body composition. My skin disorder is not getting any better and I have booked an appointment to see a dermatologist on Monday; referred to me by my shrink as he was concerned about me self-medicating for such an extended period of time. 

Because of the heat, I am not eating much these days. Medication and green tea are my staple diet and the pain from the open wound and throbbing headaches from the sun is indeed a real torture. Now that I have quitted my part-time job teaching kindergartens, I am resting most of the week in bed, cooling myself off with ice pack. It seems that I have so many brilliant ideas to see through but how is it possible when you are chronically fatigued while coping with itchy and weepy skin wounds? I have so many art projects on hold as I can't maneuver my fingers to do the job. I doubt anyone could understand how frustrating and hopeless it is when you are pseudo-handicapped. Typing this blog takes me forever as my finger tips are bleeding. 

No, this is not a piece asking for mercy; please use this as a reminder of how fortunate you are when you have zero health problem or in pretty good shape. I shall keep posting wherever I will be in the coming weeks. 

Take heed to the message your body is telling you...

So Summer is already here and what have I accomplished so far in the past 6 months? There has been a lot of 'busyness' but not much to show for it. Yes, I had a part-time teaching job for 2 months but that too is coming to an end ( in a couple of days to be exact). Was that time wasted? Far from it. 

I had a viral infection earlier this month followed by a major skin infection which is indeed debilitating. I am still on antibiotics and this is a painful process to overcome; my skin is all flared up and taking a shower or simply washing my hands is almost unbearable. The medication makes me drowsy and I sleep so much to the point of shutting myself down from all kinds of activities and communication. I had to cancel meetings with friends and take sick leave off from work. The heat and humidity are not helping either. I can't recall spending so much time in bed for decades and I am sure the body is alarming me to rest up and re-organise my so called 'life'. 

Resigning from the part-time teaching job is absolutely necessary; as I don't feel being useful 'babysitting' kindergarten kids when I know I can do a lot more. Living a simple life allows me to quit without worrying too much about my daily expenses. I have also come to realise that teaching senior students one-on-one is more my thing as I feel I am contributing and making an impact on those under my tutelage. I am now looking for people who wish to improve their English privately and this is what I do best from over 12 years of experience. 

Meanwhile, I am learning the nuts and bolts putting myself online teaching French and Latin to beginners. I like to see this happen as part of my nomadic life in the near future. The e-course Humane Education-Teaching for a positive future is about to start in a week's time for 6 weeks and I am so looking forward to it and I hope to apply my knowledge and ideas to curriculum development for schools and learning hubs. I will be revamping my website and updating my etsy shop, re-initiate contact with old friends and acquaintance in the coming 2 months; staying indoors with air-conditioning and iced lemon tea.

There are some of the things I have decided not to do anymore, and social media is one of them. I have unsubscribed 70% of the newsletters which I never had time to open or read. That is pretty phenomenal as I used to spend hours perusing them instead of writing my own, for fear of missing out on stuff which I don't really care about. I am also taking a break from producing my weekly newsletter SLLM, which shall resume in the fall.

When I am in a better state of health, I shall return to my creative cave, reading what has been sitting in my library for months on end and possibly go to Europe for a sabbatical. Whatever is the next big/ small thing, I am rolling with it the best I can, taking one day at a time.

Teaching as my life-long career

I have finally handed in my resignation today. To be quite honest, I enjoy teaching at the centre except for the kindergarten ones whom I have difficulties handling. It's not easy for someone who is more into the academic side of things and very much result -driven. Working 12 hrs a week is pretty darn good but then again, I have problem with the heat and I guess I am too old to be teaching the little ones.

It seems to me that teaching is my life long pursuit. Quitting this job doesn't mean I am giving up my role as a teacher / mentor. I am still teaching one-on-one and in fact, I am learning how to create online teaching which saves a lot of time commuting. I'll be focusing on English and maybe English Literature but I am also challenging myself to teach Beginners French and Latin. I have always believe that teaching what I wish to improve is a win-win situation and so be it! As I am having a ball creating and developing curriculum / lesson plans, I am really looking forward to my time spending in my home office!

On top of that, I have enrolled yet another online course 'Teaching for a positive future 1' offered by the Institute for Humane Education in the States. Being a life-long student, I am hoping to explore the most critical social issues of humanity and be part of the solutions in making the world a better place to be. I have also submitted my proposal to the Learning & Teaching Expo to be held in December when I can share my insights in a lecture format into the future of learning (to be confirmed acceptance in October). yes, I am that serious.

I might not have a stable income after quitting my job (and having been unemployed for so long didn't kill me) but as long as I am alive and my brain works, and by word of mouth, I am sure I can recruit new students who need help while enjoying the process.

Mercury Retrograde hits town!!!

Mercury Retrograde!!! I can feel it all right! The phase of the moon and planets has always had a negative impact on me; and this past week has been absolutely chaotic! First I got really sick to the point of taking 2 days no pay leave from work and instead spent a day's worth of my salary at a visit to my GP. I am taking Valium when I go out as I feel so weak and nauseous in the crowds which send me to episodes of panic attack. My skin condition, chronic eczema, flares up big time in the heat so I am unable to make craft with my hands of open wounds. Even writing hurts! 

Then I booked an appointment to get a technician to check my air-conditioning system and he didn't show up. I went to another shop and paid for a new one but they don't have the model I want in stock so I have to wait for another week for installation. Then my existing printer died on me so I got myself a new one which I believe to be the solution but after 3 hours of connecting, it still doesn't print! Is it any wonder why we are advised not to purchase anything electronic during this time of Mercury Retrograde?!!! 

Anyway, I have just sent in my resignation letter as I don't suppose teaching K1-K3 is my thing at all! I don't have the patience to babysit and entertain them by making a fool of myself. I shall continue freelancing for adults and students of senior levels as I feel being useful and more appropriate. Money is important but I'd rather go without if my well-being is at risk.

Well, what's next...?!

burn-out already!

The heat and the stress have finally taken their toll on my wellbeing over the weekend. I couldn't fall asleep until 5am even after taken an extra dose of medication. I kept waking up and by the time I opened my eyes again, it's 3pm but I didn't feel fully rested. My eyes were swollen and I felt restless.I guess this must be a sign of burn out which seems to occur more frequently as I age.

My heart is definitely not here in Hong Kong. I find breathing extremely difficult in the weather like this and I'd do anything to get myself out of this hell of an oven. Yes, I can always fly back to Melbourne to escape the summer but I have financial difficulties after being unemployed for so so long. Now that I am working part-time, which is better than nothing at all, I can't afford to quit and simply take off. On top of that, I am having problem handling the K1-K3 kids where I teach. It is indeed a challenge which I am determined to overcome by creating better lesson plans and training myself with more patience. Visiting the chemist has become a routine when I need steroid and antibiotics for my skin problems which flare up big time in weather like this. 

I find it hard to be grateful when I seem to be stuck in a rut and when I am in physical pain. Burnout is inevitable when you are a type A person. Yes, I need to slow down and be less hostile. Being a perfectionist, I am extra hard on myself when it comes to failure so I need to decide on being good enough rather than being perfect. My so called life is all about working for a living, for survival, and reading and sleeping are my means of escapism. I exist, therefore I am. 

Is this the way to live???

Beat the kindergartens...

I was on the verge of tears this past week after my 4 hours of teaching at the centre. I was so so disappointed at myself; as I felt that I wasn't delivering the lessons as expected and my lesson plans simply weren't good enough. There was no satisfaction in getting the students occupied but not quite learning what they were coming for. No, nobody complained about my incompetence but I have a hard time accepting mediocrity. Yes, I am a perfectionist and possibly an over-achiever too!

After much contemplation, I decide:

1. to accept my strengths and weaknesses, knowing that there is only so much I can do 
2. that I cannot possibly control everything; that everyone has his own battles and priorities, and I can only control my way of thinking
3. that I don't need to prove anything to anyone
4. to forget the past mistakes and move on
5. to be proactive rather than reactive
6. not to compromise my values for anything
7. to live in the moment and at my own pace
8. to let go whatever is holding me back
9. to take myself less seriously

I didn't see the challenges and trials when I signed the work contract. What I expect to happen and the reality of the situation are 2 different things. I feel defeated when I am not in control. Teaching kindergartens phonics should have been a piece of cake to me except it wasn't. What I have experienced in the past month has woke me up to a few issues:

• Not every kid was born an indigo child or gifted and every student should be given a chance to succeed
• life isn't fair, period.
• life is hard
• I don't have the power to change anyone other than myself
• I am not in this world to live up to others' expectations, nor should I feel that others are here to live up to mine
• when I stop expecting people to be a certain way, I can begin to appreciate them
• not being okay all the time is perfectly okay

It is very unlikely that I can get stuck in a situation like this after 12 years of teaching. Maybe I have never been good with kids under 6 years old! I am well and truly beaten by kindergartens but I am not gonna surrender but focus on feasible, actionable-right-now tasks. I am going to make every lesson more fun and effective. There will be more challenges ahead of me to be overcome. I will be putting in more work and make what is 'impossible' an accomplishment.

Screw 'perfectionism'!

I must admit that I feel like shit after the phonics lessons with the K1-K3 kids in the past 3 weeks. I have taught phonics before with much success and I follow a system so kids progress at an alarming rate and there is no words to describe how proud I was of them who could pronounce any word given to them at the age of 6. But my experience at this new job has proved otherwise; my confidence is plummeting and I feel I am just incompetent in what I thought I do well. I have major problem disciplining the kids and I am assuming the kids get nothing out of my classes and I can't help but being terrified every time I see them waiting at the foyer. I wish I could just vanish into thin air. 

Why is it so hard to accept that life is not perfect? Maybe there is a certain kind of freedom within our imperfections? Maybe I am being too hard on both my students and myself from the very beginning, and not seeing speedy progress is equivalent to failure. Am I too proud to seek help from others? Why would I expect all the kids are born indigo children? Instead of trying to live up to some perfect image (of a teacher) that I press upon myself, maybe I should set human standards for myself. 

After much contemplation, I guess it all comes down to what I care about. Instead of focusing about the results, I should put in the work. Instead of worrying about the problems, I should focus on the solution. Instead of caring how others think of me, I should pay attention to who I want to be and what I want to do. Maybe I shouldn't care about doing it right but doing it regardless. As I was preparing my lesson plans for the coming week, I decided to set a lower standard for both my students and myself. I am going to cut myself some slack and by being imperfect, I can do what is important instead of out of necessity. Perfectionism steals my inner peace when I require everything to be perfect. It's about time to accept things as 'good enough' before I fall apart with a nervous breakdown. 

Trying to be perfect in everything I do is futile when the definition of perfection is different from one person to the next. What I believe to be the best work could be rewarded with harsh criticism from my boss. I would probably have saved myself hours doing unnecessary preparation work if I had simply accepted 'good enough' to be enough. No wonder I get burn out so easily when I tend to give everything I do 110% and push myself to make things perfect all of the time. And guess why I am still single and alone???

How to be more organised...

As my planner continues to fill up with my part-time job, my private English lessons, and other networking and volunteering assignments, I am coming out of hibernation into a 'busy' mode, trying to squeeze in everything onto the page with little room to breathe. Before I feel overwhelmed and stressed out, I need to organise my life a bit and maybe you can use some of my ideas to get yours in control too.

As my ex-employer said to me ages ago, nothing is that urgent and everything can wait unless it is a life or death situation. I need to keep reminding myself what role I am playing at different time of the day, knowing that there is only so much I can give.

Priority is everything! Narrow down what you want to achieve in the next few months,  and create a routine to fulfill a small step everyday which is related to your said priorities. Take out tasks which are unrelated to your goals so you can focus on the ones which move you forward. I love creating my to-do list on my monthly planner and it is my bible to get anything done at all. I check with my list everyday to make sure I have my priorities cleared and tasks done to facilitate the process. I always go for planners with the time on the side so I can write down the places I need to be in chronological order. Schedule in every single appointment and chores to be done is extremely calming and mind freeing.

To make my planner more pleasing to the eyes, I color code my tasks based on project types. I try to keep everything in one planner (an A4 size one is just perfect!) and only use a Steno-notebook for ideas and drafting on the go. 

Meanwhile, I suggest leaving a generous margin in your schedule as back to back appointments don't work in real life. Shits always happen such as the traffic, an unexpected shower on a sunny day, or stains from your favourite pasta on your shirt. I like to have a leeway in between to account for the unexpected and as a result, I won't be devastated when shits hit the fan. Personally I am the least creative when I run on the wheel without pause. Running on autopilot is not my style and I like to make everything I do with intention. Downtime is a must for me as I need the space and time alone with my own thoughts.

I have hitherto learned to accept that I can do anything but not everything.It takes a lot of effort to decide on spending time on things that matter but it's so worth it. I don't believe in long term planning and creating a weekly/ monthly schedule is the best I can do. 

Where is HOME?

In the past 40 odd years, I have had the luxury to spend long periods of time living in different countries, and to be honest, I seem to like the nomadic lifestyle and it is tough to call a particular place home as my definition of home might not be yours.

Home is where the heart (mom) is.

Home is where the heart longs to be.

Where is home?

It is a space where you feel comfortable being you, the place where you are treated with respect and dignity, where the landscape and the people inspire you to be your best.

A place where you grew up.

A peaceful place. A resting place.

A place where you are loved and accepted for who you are.

A place of security, warmth, comfort.

A place that welcomes you home from a busy day, nourishes your frazzled soul and send you out again, replenished and restored.

A place that supports you.

I have been 'looking for' a place called home all my life as the feeling of belonging doesn't come easy to me. I thought moving to a new country would be the solution but it wasn't. It is not how the new place fits into your lifestyle but the other way round. You need to be willing to sacrifice some of your habits, outlooks and sanity to make it work.

It doesn't matter where you are right now, living in a shoebox or a mansion, you can be grateful for having a roof over your head by beautifying your surroundings; and there is nothing exciting about a blank-walled, cookie-cutter home to make it a signature yours. Personally I believe our 'home' should be presented in a way that reveals our personality and character. 

[If you are interested in wall hangings with a vintage twist, I invite you over to my online shop www.etsy.com/shop/lamaisonsimple/ to transform your home with original one of a kind designs beckoning for appreciation! Turn your pad into a place that feels like you!]

I hate repetition!

Rituals and routines reflect how we conduct our lives regardless of the kind of lifestyle we pursue. They seem to provide structure and purpose in our days, but more often than not become an automation which may lead to a waste of time and effort if we are invigilant. 

I am anti-routines as they always bring about boredom or plateaus and breaking the familiarity every now and then is simply cathartic. Breaking the routine helps to get a deeper insight into why we do things a certain way and re-prioritise, subject to the constant changes life involves. And only after could we rebound and start anew. I must emphasise that this is an inevitable process if we are to reinvent ourselves with a new set of rules. All we need to do is to be open to re-evaluation of common assumptions about ourselves and prioritise the most important in our schedule. Reviewing our values and making sure that our daily activities are in alignment is the key.

Don't we all make decisions correlated with who we believe ourselves to be? Doing things intentionally is the recipe for following through our routines. Instead of going through the motions, I need to know that I am doing something on a daily basis that will get me where I want to be in life. Isn't this the most powerful motivation in itself? 

I make time to write. 

I blog and create newsletters.

I learn something each day.

I change my routine to suit my different life circumstances.

I adjust my habits to fit into the rest of my day.

Care to share yours?

A personal update...

It's been exactly 2 years since I last worked as a private English teacher which provided me with a relatively stable income and a pretty easy life. I have never stopped searching for work and attending interviews is a full time job itself! I have been working every single day to reboot, refocus and reinvent, creating projects in the hope of making enough to pay the bills, taking up online courses to be better equipped and make myself more marketable, and consistently posting my blog and newsletter to share my perspective on life. Alas, nothing remotely suitable came up and it is so so sad to be in a retirement phase at mid-forties. I suffer from the constant blow of rejection which is an absolute confidence buster as I question myself now and again if I am ever good at what I do. I am indeed exhausted, loaded with a kind of heaviness which is crushing my skeleton into shards. I am no longer angry but have turned indifferent to the ups and downs in this lame ass roller-coaster ride. I don't have much of an expectation of anything to avoid disappointment and I am learning to accept the flow of life as it unfolds. 

Finding balance...

After a prolonged period of inertia, I have finally landed a permanent part-time job teaching at a learning centre. I actually prefer it part-time as I am not quite prepared to dive into a full-time working mode as yet and I do enjoy the variety of the projects I take up on a freelance basis; ideal for scanners like me who love to have different tasks on-going at the same time. 

As I am starting in a week's time, I need to get myself organised and mentally readied for the new job and it is important to achieve a work-life balance as I am prone to burnout easily if I don't monitor myself. Life is not a competition and I don't tend to push things in order to get more done. I am trying to savor the moment and the experience at my own pace. I need to be aware of how full my plate is and say no to obligations I cannot possibly meet. Taking extra responsibility doesn't benefit anyone and it is a surefire way to deplete myself; especially when I am a bit of a perfectionist.

As my time is now dedicated to my new job, it is necessary to remove some of my newsletter subscriptions which I won't have the time to read. This is particularly painful for me as I peruse info and articles online voraciously, for fear of missing out on anything important. By cutting down on what comes into my inbox, I make time for myself doing other things which are high on my priority list: writing, making art, reading and online learning; none of which could be omitted in a typical week if I need to stay sane.

I always have my A4 planner at hand where I have scheduled in every single appointment / to do, as my mind can only take so much at a time and this is my way of avoiding the sense of overwhelming. Then I put my tasks in different slots to make my task list fit around my life; not to forget leaving a bit of a margin / leeway in between. I'll make sure I schedule 'me' time in as I do with a doctor's appointment. Now it's time to estimate how much time would be devoted to each task, and pen them in as well, including commuting and taking breaks. Prioritising is the next step as it is simply unrealistic to make a long list without knowing what is urgent / important. 

There are little things I can get done over with as soon as possible. There are things that can wait for a few days. Then there are projects which require a longer period of time to complete and there are those which I have to put on hold. Personally I have a number of medium sized projects which are sitting on my work station gathering dust; and I'll make sure they are attended to before embarking on something new. 

Meanwhile, I must remind myself to pause regularly to create space. I practise open-eye meditation myself and sipping a cuppa is just as refreshing. I like to ask myself at different times of the day what I am doing with my life to motivate myself to carry on what I believe is meaningful. Nothing is set in stone so I tend to readjust my lifestyle when it gets out of control somehow. 

Ultimately, it is the goal of making sure that my work life doesn't dominate the rest of my time. Instead of using a time log, I prefer setting a period of time with a timer and stick to it for any task I set myself to. To demarcate my work time from personal time, I either read or listen to my favourite CD which is mind freeing, making the transition a tiny bit easier. I hate waiting for people and of course I have to be vigilant about volunteering away my time for some unworthy causes which fail to speak to me. 

How much time are you spending on working during your life time and how much time are you spending on enjoying life during work?

How are you 'aging'?

I didn't write last week as I was stoned out from the medication for a nasty cold, which seems to be going around lately; a confirmation that Spring is indeed here. I am not completely recovered as I am writing this but being sick is no longer a valid excuse to procrastinate, and we are never really 'ready' for anything worth pursuing anyway.

Being fiercely independent, I can't help but feel threatened by the aging process. I fear aging because I fear that sickness or frailty rob me of the independence I survive on for so many years. I would hate to become dependent on others when I become unable to be there for myself. 

We are all aging by the second and yet, I find it difficult to accept the lost years which could be one of the major reasons for self-hatred. I don't have to grace to wear the battle like Meryl Streep or Susan Sarandon (both of them my favourite celebrities) nor do I wish to transform into the latest version of Meg Ryan. 

To embrace the aging process, there are certain things that I do or don't which make it less depressing.

• I am totally transparent about my age. 
• I don't wear makeup and okay with it.
• I don't believe I know more than my juniors.
• I won't restrict my activities just because the number is increasing.
• I have no intention whatsoever to alter my physical appearance.
• I am volunteering.
• I like farmers market more than supermarket.
• I take life one day at a time, knowing that death could be just around the corner.
• I no longer take life too seriously, which makes letting go a lot easier.
• I don't care what others think of me.
• I show my feelings on my sleeves.
• I don't feel bad about not living a conventional life.

We all go through different phases of life and what I used to find appealing no longer do. Things are no longer black and white and I am beginning to see more grey in between. Time seems to pass so much quicker the older you get. Meanwhile, I have much more clarity in what I want to do (for a living) and how I want to do it. 

I EXIST, therefore I am.

My response these days to 'How are you?' is usually 'I exist. Thanks.' Maybe that is exactly how I am, merely existing, taking up space, instead of 'living a full life' in Utopia. I don't feel much either, numb to both positive and negative experiences. I am physically moving, going from point A to B, but my mind is blank, half-conscious of what is happening around me; indifferent to news bites. I am either busying myself writing in front of my computer or burying my nose in books and magazines, submerging my sanity in a fictitious world, which is still a better choice than being in the real world, in Hong Kong.

Life is supposed to be enjoyed and appreciated, not endured and tolerated; the latter of which is what constitutes to my anger towards the world at large. The older I get, the less tolerant I become:

• I stop letting people control my emotions.
• I am not here to live up to anyone's expectation. I can only do my best.
• I learn to accept instead of complain. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger!
• I am not my past failures.
• Stay away from mediocrity; make it big.
• Let go when I have to
• I am 100% apologetically myself.

Tolerance is bleeding me dry. I am spending all my energy tolerating when I feel so powerless to live. It is like being on autopilot, eyes wide open yet not seeing, arms out in front, yet never feeling,one foot in front of the other yet going nowhere. How can I live a greater existence?

I need to challenge myself to live for myself and my own values, ideas, and dreams.

I need to do what matters most to me, now and not later. I need to live with purpose and the way I preach. I am working to create a life that feels right to me.

Do you merely exist or are you living?

My understanding of DEATH

I have lost my cousin and my dad recently and to be honest, I stopped crying soon after the cremation and instead learned a few things in the process of grieving. Of course I miss them and I think of them every so often but I am now less fearsome than ever in 'living' my remaining years. 

Aging in itself is a slow and torturous process. I feel my soul has long gone to join the dead and medication, being one of my major expenses, is the remedy to fix the temporary problems both physically and mentally and to keep my zombie self function. This body of mine is simply a shell and is sustained with long term medication, which can be discarded anytime. I don't know how much longer before my body dies on me but the more I think about the issue of mortality, the more I am at peace with myself.

I am not religious and the reward of an afterlife doesn't exist in my vocabulary. Simply put, I am not at all afraid of death; being fully aware of the inevitability of a phase as humans. All I want is to make sure that I am allowed to cross over in ways of my choice. Euthanasia if I have a terminal illness and dying alone in the snow if killing myself is the only option. Maybe this is one of the many reasons that I opt to stay single and alone. Being a mystery as it is, we cannot hurry it (unless committing suicide) or delay it (with even more medication and technology), I can only train myself to accept what happens (say in an accident) and take life a day at a time. I am also more mindful in each moment these days and go easy with a lot of things. And this could well be the attraction to a simple life.

We are not born to stay forever. In fact, we are spiritual beings visiting the physical world like a tourist. Having a body which requires constant repair is not funny and there is nothing wrong with choosing death over life; being both sides of the same coin. I personally feel that I am a stardust hanging invisibly in the sky, filling space in the name of civilization. Why is it that we have no right to choose to exist or not? One of my favourite sayings is: This too shall pass. It has helped me many times over when I was in difficult situations of adversity. We are all fleeting away and I always remind myself of the impermanence of everything, that now is all I have in this moment. 

When my time comes, I shall gladly receive the gift, knowing that it is the best time to go. 

Here is a poem I wish to dedicate to my readers and myself:

I know death is just around the corner
We are playing hide-and-seek
The clock is ticking all right
But the battery is running low.

I am not surprised 
To see the corpse of my father.
Free of pain and diseases
Sleeping well in peace.

Life is full of challenges and opportunities 
But it can get overwhelming
When the body stops working 
The visit is over.

Why be so concerned with our differences
When we all share a common fate of finality.
There is always enough
But nothing goes into the grave.

On Freedom...

Ever since I was a little girl, I have been obsessed with freedom (in multiple forms) and being independent. I was the ugly and odd one out at school, a misfit among my schoolmates because I was different from them, while being adamant not to follow the herd. I'd rather be bullied than 'becoming' one of them. 

It is not surprising that I have this urge to travel wide and far as I suffocate in the place I live and the people around me. I am notoriously known as a rule-breaker when I believe the so-called rules don't make sense. I feel so so alone in the sea of 7 billion humans when I am not being understood, having my own value and belief system so different from the others. I have learnt not to give a damn about how others think of me, fully aware that harsh judgement is just a character flaw beyond my control. Above all, I am frustrated by the society at large when changes are practically avoided, confined by 'that's just the way things are'. 

I am getting fed up with my playing small, holding back my purpose from the world that needs me exactly as me. I don't want to be part of mediocrity and I refuse to apologise for being different. The more I spend time contemplating about my life (or rather existence), the more listless I feel about the state of the world as it is, and although I ain't no activist or environmentalist by nature, I am paying more and more attention to the social issues and if I am right about my gut-feeling, I must do something to make the world a better place to be. 

Identity Problem...

If you were to ask me to describe myself in a few words, it would probably take me forever to come up with something appropriate. I don't have a problem with words (I can't even be sure of that) but I find that I have lost my sense of identity. It is true that my thoughts and actions create my identity, that my past experiences shaped who I have become but who the hell am I when I am profoundly confused? 

There is a lot of anger in me ready to lash out at the slightest trigger. We all get angry because something isn't going our way (and you can imagine how much anger is generated if nothing goes our way!). I certainly understand that my universe isn't everyone else's universe so I suppose my anger boils down to social injustice, issues such as poverty, racism, work ethic, etc...even the issue of euthanasia if you ask me.

Sad isn't it as I am fully aware that the social issues cannot be resolved over night or by one person. Idealistic or not, I feel so helpless and hopeless, stuck deep in the rut without the means to get myself out. What is the lesson beneath my predicament? Yes, I have a difficult time accepting the harsh reality of life; as I keep saying that this is no place for humans. Saying that life isn't fair is an understatement. Why do bad things keep popping up? Yes, I am one in 7 billion who is getting the bad deal and I do understand the concept of gratitude, knowing that there are indeed people in worse situation than mine. But why the compare? It never do anything to anyone in practical terms! 

On the whole, it is depressing, especially for someone as sensitive as I am. I guess it shows in my way of 'living' in this world (or this part of the world to be precise). I hardly get out of my flat and when I do, I turn myself off mentally to dissociate myself from my immediate reality. I am a walking zombie without a heart. I try to minimise the chance of interaction as my fuse is short and I have no intention of pissing people off which they don't deserve. Meanwhile I divert my energy and attention to what I enjoy doing like making art and organising is open eye meditation to me. Reading is another gateway to my dream world when anger strikes.

So to describe myself in a few words? totally fucked up and lost, helpless and better to be dead.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME...

We all go through phases at different points of life and as I am officially turning mid-40 tomorrow, I can't help but review my latest passion / interests, and here is what I have found: I have been checking out a few websites, signed up for subscription, and seriously considering the issues which speak to me loud and clear, a sign from the universe to go ahead to help change the world to a better place to be.

Have a look at the following websites:

• The centre for a new American dream
• Institute for humane education
• The story of stuff project
• The gift circle

My attention to philanthropy didn't start over night. In fact, I have been signing up at various NGOs and did some volunteering work in the past couple of months; duties I was drawn to for no special reasons but nevertheless feeling right about. A better world, a meaningful life, is something I have been contemplating and struggling with in the past few decades; only to be intensified recently as I become more restless and unhappy about the environment where I live. I have second thoughts if the things that I have been doing matter. and how to inject more meaning to my existing life? 

Here are some questions which you could ask yourself to find out what gets you out of bed in the morning:

• What is important to you? What do you value most? 
• How can you use your passions to give back to the world?
• What makes your life worth living?
• Are you aware / mindful of your daily actions and keep them on track?
• Are you focused in what you do, aligning your goal with something you are passionate about?
• Are you spending you time / money on experiences or material stuff?
• Can you be more compassionate toward yourself, and to others?
• How can you give back to the world that honors your beliefs and passions?
• Can you simplify your life?
• Are you setting daily goals that you find fulfilling and meaningful?

To me, meaning / fulfillment is definitely more important than money. Money is only useful up to a certain point and depression sets in when there is no reason to wake up in the morning (albeit a fat account sitting in the bank). I don't know if this is part of the aging process but I am making qualities like purpose, intrinsic satisfaction and meaning a priority. Authentic relationships, sustainable business, purposeful travel, to name but a few.

I feel more than ever to make a difference, to become a part of a community which lives a sustainable lifestyle. I have no desire to purchase more and am content with what I do have. I would always choose to accept a lower income and a lower level of consumption in order to have more time to pursue other life goals. Yes, it involves a change of lifestyle, but a worthy change nonetheless. As I mentioned on my webpage, travel is an absolute necessity to me, and I never travel without a reason. As a matter of fact, I am getting more and more interested in voluntourism these days, whereby people add community responsibilities to their travel itinerary. 

I don't believe I can change the world by myself but I am working on taking time to nourish relationships, eating local / seasonal produce, playing more, engaging in fulfilling work (paid or unpaid), getting involved in a community whenever I can, and to rest as much as my body needs.

So on the eve of my birthday, I wish to say thank you for reading my posts. 

Why am I doing this???

I was updating my website and re-read the list of things I have done in the past few years, I realized that I have ventured quite a bit both geographically and mentally. There are projects I have initiated and completed but nobody seems to know about them as I haven't been actively marketing my products. There are projects in my heads demanding to be born, and there are some which I simply dismiss as wishful thinking.

My passion and belief that 'I can' is the underlying foundation upon which I incessantly bring my projects out into the world. My likes and passion do change overtime and that is all the more reason to act on them before they become obsolete, believing that there is a message waiting to be shared and that I have the brain to make it happen. 

There has been a lot of changes, most of them challenging and involving some kind of sacrifice. Leaving the comfort zone is almost a constant but I get used to it. One of the major decisions was to let go of the need to be employed full-time in the conventional sense and to accept that it is just fine to be teaching on a freelance basis. I have more time to work on my own business and making art is now a scheduled activity. 

I can only tell you that to be doing what you love is an amazing feeling. Checking the stats doesn't interest me a bit. All I care is that if there is one person who visits my website, subscribes to my newsletter, reads my blog and feels good about him/herself, I consider my job well done. To me, sharing my thoughts and get my messages across with my words mean the world to me. I hope my efforts help my readers to be confident to be who they are, and be inspired and encouraged enough to live a different way of life.

To be completely honest, this is hard work; much harder than being an employee who simply sign in and out at specific times, without a doubt getting a paycheck at the end of the month. It is a daily effort to keep the passion burning. The hours you put in, the need to learn new software in order to make the business works, the tears and frustration when you tap on the wrong key by accident, and the anxiety of not generating an income are only a few of the many complications to put up with in exchange of doing what you love. But it is worth it.

I do believe that the world needs people like us to be unabashedly sharing our uniqueness and perspectives, inspiring and encouraging each other to be their authentic selves. I can't do this without you, my readers and subscribers who continue to read my weekly messages and pass them on to their circle of friends. Thank you for keeping my passion alive.

To find out more about my brand-new online magazine, click here.

You've got style...

There are many types of STYLE...fashion sense, lifestyle, hair style, artistic style, to mention just a few. Each of us has our very own and unique style since day 1 but forgotten or repressed as we get older by the years. 
Ask yourself: What do I love creating so much right now that it makes me come alive?
If you haven't yet found your passion, start being observant. Try out different media in your art work and see which attracts you the most. Then go crazy creating with your choice to your heart's content. 
Passion changes at different phases of life but follow your heart nonetheless. What you have picked up along the way is not wasted as aspects of each of your passions will be re-emerged and eventually morphed to become your signature style. 
What about lifestyle? This is a pretty sensitive issue to someone who is unemployed or rather, without a stable income.
Ask yourself: what kind of lifestyle do I want to achieve?
And now you have a purpose. 
And now you prioritise everything to make that happen.
The world is changing at break-neck speed and it has become an increasingly transience society, one that requires the ability to adapt, to restructure and to be mobile; thank you very much to the advanced technology. 
And it suits me perfectly. A mobile lifestyle. A nomadic life. 
So why am I stuck in Hong Kong? For reasons I prefer not to expose online.
It doesn't make sense to stay in one place when you can create a better life elsewhere.
This is easier for those who are detached from material things.
Once in a life-time experience speaks louder than staying put in my little comfort zone.
The current trend is about impermanence, our willingness to move.
Fashion. What is that?
I like to look good but to feel good is even better. 
I don't dress according to 'trends'.
I don't care what others think of me as long as my inside matches my outside appearance.
Be authentic. Be you.