Starting Over (yes, again)

My full-time job at the learning centre lasted a month. I guess I have over-estimated myself to start with...I am no longer YOUNG and my energy is easily depleted. I was seriously burned out when my body was aching all over. I was so drained and exhausted at the end of the day. I got bored teaching the set curriculum which must be followed to the T, not to mention the criticism I got on a regular basis about things which were unreasonably expected for someone who has just taken up the role. 

Teaching is my passion and gifted with this special bonding with kids, time flied in the classroom only to be given other responsibilities which I found overwhelming. The vibes in the staff room weren't pretty when there was so much tension going around. My heart was no longer there and I knew it was time to unplug and say goodbye. I just didn't see the point of exchanging my precious time and commitment for a meagre salary.

Being back to the 'normal' work life after an extended period of 'rest' ain't easy. I was desperate as I needed the money to help expedite my next sabbatical overseas. I thought I would slave away for a while, adjust to a different routine, and generate a stable income in order to get out of HK. Unfortunately, what works for MOST people doesn't work for me. I had no personal time which means my creativity was stalled. I had no energy left even to read on the MTR as my eyes were sore and migraine visited me frequently. My days-off were spent in bed catching up with sleep and restoring my sanity. I was pushed to the limit when being criticized for delivering a less than perfect job.

So back to square one and starting over, a commonplace reality of life. Yes it is a punch in the gut, it is depressing but it provides a new way of looking at my life. I try not to let yesterday use up too much of today. I learn to accept starting over as part of my journey (which is nothing new to me in the past 40 odd years). I can only believe that something better and more appropriate will come after I take a second look at exactly how I approached everything in my life, my job, my health, my stress level and the way I went about my day-to-day life.

I totally lost it...3 weeks into my new job...

Having been my own boss for over a decade makes working full-time for others intolerable, if not impossible. In my previous job as a private English teacher, I got to choose the students to take on, my work day didn't start until late afternoon which worked perfectly for someone who waked up late. I got to create custom made syllabus for my students and I saw immeasurable results which was indeed satisfying. Having one-on-one lessons meant a deeper understanding and bonding with my students. Of course there were the downside but it lasted me 12 odd years.

Working full-time i.e. 40 hours at the centre plus another 20 for commute a week, I have literally zero time for myself. I close my sore eyes on public transportation when I used to devour 3 books a week. The work itself sucks all the energy out of me and I feel drained and numb by the end of the day, not to mention the amount of paracetamal to keep my migrine away. My creativity goes on the back burner and all I wanted is to relax in front of the TV as soon as I get home. I even limited my newsletter / blog subscription to a bare minimal as I simply have no time to read!

Maybe I have over-estimated myself at the very beginning. I should have started part-time and learned more about the curriculum before I commit. I am overwhelmed by the workload assigned to me, and I am not getting younger. I lost it after being criticised for a faulty lesson plan I was responsible to write up. I couldn't help it especially when it sounded like an attack and humiliation. All I wanted is to get the job done, have fun teaching the kids, and trust that my colleagues are helping me out with productive advices. I don't like the methodology which I personally find boring and totally uncreative. Teaching something I don't approve of renders my job meaningless. Is it really worthy of my time,energy, brain cells and physical efforts for the monthly salary which is in disproportion to the amount of work and sacrifices?

Why am I slaving away for the benefit of the boss? My salary is fixed regardless of my level of commitment. This is just prostituting and no wonder my soul is crushed. Being the way I am, I won't back off and I am prepared for the 'worst' which I don't mind though as I get my sanity and wellbeing back.

Tips to make work less stressful (part 1)

It's been almost 2 weeks now since I returned to the working life and there are a few things and experience that I want to share with my readers which you might find useful:

Do you feel having a 40 hour workweek too much?
You don't when you enjoy what you do thoroughly.
You don't when there is always something new to learn.
You don't when you know it's your choice to make your day awesome.
You don't when you spend each day contributing meaningful work for the world.
You don't when you see familiar faces and connection.
You don't when you achieve a purpose or result.
You don't when you are passionate about what you do.
You don't when you are being productive.
You don't when you are not working to pay for material goods that you don't need.
You don't when shopping no longer interests you.
You don't when you get to brainstorm with others and being creative.

Do you feel like you are constantly running on the treadmill and overwhelmed by the busyness at work?
It's been really hard for me after such an extended period of hibernation and I find that slowing down on purpose works to calm me down and make my day easier:

1. step away from technology as much as possible
2. get local, fresh produce at the Farmer's Market
3. get out of the office at lunch time and take mini-breaks
4. take a sensory stroll, people-watch, sketch, take photos
5. do not take work home and never work on your off-days
6. sit and meditate whenever you feel like screaming
7. spend some time alone

Working in an office with other employees could be a shock to your system especially after being your own boss for some time. I loathe office politics which is inevitable and I try not to be a part of the tribe. Here is what I do when it comes to dealing with difficult people:

1. Accept that there will be personality clash and avoid encountering that person as much as possible 
2. Ask yourself if this is the hill you are willing to die on
3. Respond only when your thought needs to be said by you (and no-one else) now (and not in the future)
4. Speak your truth without stooping to anyone's level and name-calling
5. Listen, pause, respond
6. Ask powerful questions starting with what, how, where and when
7. Respect, acknowledge and appreciate
8. Take responsibility by using 'I' versus 'you'
9. Be crystal clear in your communication with others
10. Transparency is encouraged in the workplace

Come back next week for more hands-on tips...

On ADjustment, Boundaries and Balance

It's been almost a week now into my new job. I am not complaining but there is a lot to adjust to as far as my body clock and lifestyle are concerned. Changes are stressful and as I put in all my time and energy into work, I would be lucky to have some 'me' time if at all, something which I have taken for granted in the past.

Well, life is all about changes, setting reasonable boundaries, and balance. I have been mercilessly unsubscribing 80% of the newsletters which I enjoy receiving and become more intentional in everything I choose to do on a daily basis. I have my priorities set up and there are certain things that simply need to go. It is not easy but it is my way of tuning into a new lifestyle without warranting a burn out.

I am never a morning person and I can't remember when was the last time I actually woke up before noon. I am now getting up at 7:30am and trying to hit Snoozeville around midnight. I have an hour for lunch which I treasure and I am trying to slow down and savour my food instead of skipping meals which I did when I was too engrossed in my art. I have limited my access on the Internet to 45 mins instead of checking my inbox incessantly throughout the day. I stop reading 3 books a week and read only when I am on public transportation and before bed. Instead of indulging in my hobbies, I can only make art on my days off if I feel like it and writing my second book has to be put aside for now. 

Yes, that's a lot of adjustment but this is what happened when you make commitment to something worth pursuing. I try to beat stress by not taking things too personally but rather see it as some non-personal external event. Meanwhile, I am working on reducing all kinds of noise such as visual clutter, notifications, social media, and news which are time-consuming.

There are indeed benefits of living life within boundaries. We need healthy boundaries more than ever especially for those who have problem with self-control. I am forced to identify what my needs and wants are and hence, single out the most valuable and important things in life. I also get to know my style by eliminating things in the process of decluttering. 

Despite the fact that I have no dependants, no mortgage and alone most of the time, I do need to create a balance between work and play (my hobbies). There are household chores that need to be done, errands to run, grocery to queue up for, and people to see. Now that I am back in working mode, a full-time job which takes me an extra 2.5 hours of commuting  robs me of my personal / private time which I sorely miss. I try to get as much done as possible during the work day, get out of the office for lunch more frequently, take small breaks whenever necessary and never bring work home. 

As I acclimatize to the new body clock, I'll have the mornings on my days off to work on things that matter to me, make a scrapbook page, do some art journaling, or brainstorm ideas for my book...I have stopped wishing for more hours but spend my time wiser. This is the 'sacrifice' you make as part of the deal!

It's my 44th birthday next sunday and I am not looking forward to it. In fact, the process of aging terrifies me and there were bouts of depression since I turned 30. I have difficulties accepting that I am in mid-life and I can feel it in my bones. No, it's not the number that bothers me but the fact that my prime years were over and my body is telling me truth I cannot bear to face.

The notion of aging 'beautifully' and 'gracefully' doesn't resonate with me. I don't want to live past 50. I used to be model pretty and I can't look myself in the mirror these days. I am no longer interested in sex and finding a husband is not on my 'to-do'. All I am trying to do is to do work that I love, to take risks, to travel to faraway places which please my senses.

I dream of spending my last couple of years living in the wild, adopt a husky somewhere cold enough and produce the best of my artwork to optimise the aging process, which helps to shape and enhance my life and the lives of those around me.

I am no Demi Moore or Elle Macpherson. Would I get myself a Botox if I can afford it? No. Would I be interested in dating someone young enough to be my son? No. The number is on my ID and there is no reason to lie to myself by artificial make-up and whatnot.

The only things I came to realise as a perk at this phase of my life are:

1. I only need 7 hrs of sleep instead of 10 when I was younger.
2. I feel okay if I shop in Marks n Spencer for clothes my size when I was a size 10 in the past.
3. I have earned a pool of wisdom which only accumulates over the years.
4. I get to have new glasses once every couple of years as my condition of presbyopia gets worse.
5. I have a wider network of medical professionals at my disposal

Not too bad huh? I'm signing off now before my tears flow...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME.