It's my 44th birthday next sunday and I am not looking forward to it. In fact, the process of aging terrifies me and there were bouts of depression since I turned 30. I have difficulties accepting that I am in mid-life and I can feel it in my bones. No, it's not the number that bothers me but the fact that my prime years were over and my body is telling me truth I cannot bear to face.

The notion of aging 'beautifully' and 'gracefully' doesn't resonate with me. I don't want to live past 50. I used to be model pretty and I can't look myself in the mirror these days. I am no longer interested in sex and finding a husband is not on my 'to-do'. All I am trying to do is to do work that I love, to take risks, to travel to faraway places which please my senses.

I dream of spending my last couple of years living in the wild, adopt a husky somewhere cold enough and produce the best of my artwork to optimise the aging process, which helps to shape and enhance my life and the lives of those around me.

I am no Demi Moore or Elle Macpherson. Would I get myself a Botox if I can afford it? No. Would I be interested in dating someone young enough to be my son? No. The number is on my ID and there is no reason to lie to myself by artificial make-up and whatnot.

The only things I came to realise as a perk at this phase of my life are:

1. I only need 7 hrs of sleep instead of 10 when I was younger.
2. I feel okay if I shop in Marks n Spencer for clothes my size when I was a size 10 in the past.
3. I have earned a pool of wisdom which only accumulates over the years.
4. I get to have new glasses once every couple of years as my condition of presbyopia gets worse.
5. I have a wider network of medical professionals at my disposal

Not too bad huh? I'm signing off now before my tears flow...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME.