A personal update...

It's been exactly 2 years since I last worked as a private English teacher which provided me with a relatively stable income and a pretty easy life. I have never stopped searching for work and attending interviews is a full time job itself! I have been working every single day to reboot, refocus and reinvent, creating projects in the hope of making enough to pay the bills, taking up online courses to be better equipped and make myself more marketable, and consistently posting my blog and newsletter to share my perspective on life. Alas, nothing remotely suitable came up and it is so so sad to be in a retirement phase at mid-forties. I suffer from the constant blow of rejection which is an absolute confidence buster as I question myself now and again if I am ever good at what I do. I am indeed exhausted, loaded with a kind of heaviness which is crushing my skeleton into shards. I am no longer angry but have turned indifferent to the ups and downs in this lame ass roller-coaster ride. I don't have much of an expectation of anything to avoid disappointment and I am learning to accept the flow of life as it unfolds. 

Finding balance...

After a prolonged period of inertia, I have finally landed a permanent part-time job teaching at a learning centre. I actually prefer it part-time as I am not quite prepared to dive into a full-time working mode as yet and I do enjoy the variety of the projects I take up on a freelance basis; ideal for scanners like me who love to have different tasks on-going at the same time. 

As I am starting in a week's time, I need to get myself organised and mentally readied for the new job and it is important to achieve a work-life balance as I am prone to burnout easily if I don't monitor myself. Life is not a competition and I don't tend to push things in order to get more done. I am trying to savor the moment and the experience at my own pace. I need to be aware of how full my plate is and say no to obligations I cannot possibly meet. Taking extra responsibility doesn't benefit anyone and it is a surefire way to deplete myself; especially when I am a bit of a perfectionist.

As my time is now dedicated to my new job, it is necessary to remove some of my newsletter subscriptions which I won't have the time to read. This is particularly painful for me as I peruse info and articles online voraciously, for fear of missing out on anything important. By cutting down on what comes into my inbox, I make time for myself doing other things which are high on my priority list: writing, making art, reading and online learning; none of which could be omitted in a typical week if I need to stay sane.

I always have my A4 planner at hand where I have scheduled in every single appointment / to do, as my mind can only take so much at a time and this is my way of avoiding the sense of overwhelming. Then I put my tasks in different slots to make my task list fit around my life; not to forget leaving a bit of a margin / leeway in between. I'll make sure I schedule 'me' time in as I do with a doctor's appointment. Now it's time to estimate how much time would be devoted to each task, and pen them in as well, including commuting and taking breaks. Prioritising is the next step as it is simply unrealistic to make a long list without knowing what is urgent / important. 

There are little things I can get done over with as soon as possible. There are things that can wait for a few days. Then there are projects which require a longer period of time to complete and there are those which I have to put on hold. Personally I have a number of medium sized projects which are sitting on my work station gathering dust; and I'll make sure they are attended to before embarking on something new. 

Meanwhile, I must remind myself to pause regularly to create space. I practise open-eye meditation myself and sipping a cuppa is just as refreshing. I like to ask myself at different times of the day what I am doing with my life to motivate myself to carry on what I believe is meaningful. Nothing is set in stone so I tend to readjust my lifestyle when it gets out of control somehow. 

Ultimately, it is the goal of making sure that my work life doesn't dominate the rest of my time. Instead of using a time log, I prefer setting a period of time with a timer and stick to it for any task I set myself to. To demarcate my work time from personal time, I either read or listen to my favourite CD which is mind freeing, making the transition a tiny bit easier. I hate waiting for people and of course I have to be vigilant about volunteering away my time for some unworthy causes which fail to speak to me. 

How much time are you spending on working during your life time and how much time are you spending on enjoying life during work?

How are you 'aging'?

I didn't write last week as I was stoned out from the medication for a nasty cold, which seems to be going around lately; a confirmation that Spring is indeed here. I am not completely recovered as I am writing this but being sick is no longer a valid excuse to procrastinate, and we are never really 'ready' for anything worth pursuing anyway.

Being fiercely independent, I can't help but feel threatened by the aging process. I fear aging because I fear that sickness or frailty rob me of the independence I survive on for so many years. I would hate to become dependent on others when I become unable to be there for myself. 

We are all aging by the second and yet, I find it difficult to accept the lost years which could be one of the major reasons for self-hatred. I don't have to grace to wear the battle like Meryl Streep or Susan Sarandon (both of them my favourite celebrities) nor do I wish to transform into the latest version of Meg Ryan. 

To embrace the aging process, there are certain things that I do or don't which make it less depressing.

• I am totally transparent about my age. 
• I don't wear makeup and okay with it.
• I don't believe I know more than my juniors.
• I won't restrict my activities just because the number is increasing.
• I have no intention whatsoever to alter my physical appearance.
• I am volunteering.
• I like farmers market more than supermarket.
• I take life one day at a time, knowing that death could be just around the corner.
• I no longer take life too seriously, which makes letting go a lot easier.
• I don't care what others think of me.
• I show my feelings on my sleeves.
• I don't feel bad about not living a conventional life.

We all go through different phases of life and what I used to find appealing no longer do. Things are no longer black and white and I am beginning to see more grey in between. Time seems to pass so much quicker the older you get. Meanwhile, I have much more clarity in what I want to do (for a living) and how I want to do it. 

I EXIST, therefore I am.

My response these days to 'How are you?' is usually 'I exist. Thanks.' Maybe that is exactly how I am, merely existing, taking up space, instead of 'living a full life' in Utopia. I don't feel much either, numb to both positive and negative experiences. I am physically moving, going from point A to B, but my mind is blank, half-conscious of what is happening around me; indifferent to news bites. I am either busying myself writing in front of my computer or burying my nose in books and magazines, submerging my sanity in a fictitious world, which is still a better choice than being in the real world, in Hong Kong.

Life is supposed to be enjoyed and appreciated, not endured and tolerated; the latter of which is what constitutes to my anger towards the world at large. The older I get, the less tolerant I become:

• I stop letting people control my emotions.
• I am not here to live up to anyone's expectation. I can only do my best.
• I learn to accept instead of complain. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger!
• I am not my past failures.
• Stay away from mediocrity; make it big.
• Let go when I have to
• I am 100% apologetically myself.

Tolerance is bleeding me dry. I am spending all my energy tolerating when I feel so powerless to live. It is like being on autopilot, eyes wide open yet not seeing, arms out in front, yet never feeling,one foot in front of the other yet going nowhere. How can I live a greater existence?

I need to challenge myself to live for myself and my own values, ideas, and dreams.

I need to do what matters most to me, now and not later. I need to live with purpose and the way I preach. I am working to create a life that feels right to me.

Do you merely exist or are you living?