My understanding of DEATH

I have lost my cousin and my dad recently and to be honest, I stopped crying soon after the cremation and instead learned a few things in the process of grieving. Of course I miss them and I think of them every so often but I am now less fearsome than ever in 'living' my remaining years. 

Aging in itself is a slow and torturous process. I feel my soul has long gone to join the dead and medication, being one of my major expenses, is the remedy to fix the temporary problems both physically and mentally and to keep my zombie self function. This body of mine is simply a shell and is sustained with long term medication, which can be discarded anytime. I don't know how much longer before my body dies on me but the more I think about the issue of mortality, the more I am at peace with myself.

I am not religious and the reward of an afterlife doesn't exist in my vocabulary. Simply put, I am not at all afraid of death; being fully aware of the inevitability of a phase as humans. All I want is to make sure that I am allowed to cross over in ways of my choice. Euthanasia if I have a terminal illness and dying alone in the snow if killing myself is the only option. Maybe this is one of the many reasons that I opt to stay single and alone. Being a mystery as it is, we cannot hurry it (unless committing suicide) or delay it (with even more medication and technology), I can only train myself to accept what happens (say in an accident) and take life a day at a time. I am also more mindful in each moment these days and go easy with a lot of things. And this could well be the attraction to a simple life.

We are not born to stay forever. In fact, we are spiritual beings visiting the physical world like a tourist. Having a body which requires constant repair is not funny and there is nothing wrong with choosing death over life; being both sides of the same coin. I personally feel that I am a stardust hanging invisibly in the sky, filling space in the name of civilization. Why is it that we have no right to choose to exist or not? One of my favourite sayings is: This too shall pass. It has helped me many times over when I was in difficult situations of adversity. We are all fleeting away and I always remind myself of the impermanence of everything, that now is all I have in this moment. 

When my time comes, I shall gladly receive the gift, knowing that it is the best time to go. 

Here is a poem I wish to dedicate to my readers and myself:

I know death is just around the corner
We are playing hide-and-seek
The clock is ticking all right
But the battery is running low.

I am not surprised 
To see the corpse of my father.
Free of pain and diseases
Sleeping well in peace.

Life is full of challenges and opportunities 
But it can get overwhelming
When the body stops working 
The visit is over.

Why be so concerned with our differences
When we all share a common fate of finality.
There is always enough
But nothing goes into the grave.

On Freedom...

Ever since I was a little girl, I have been obsessed with freedom (in multiple forms) and being independent. I was the ugly and odd one out at school, a misfit among my schoolmates because I was different from them, while being adamant not to follow the herd. I'd rather be bullied than 'becoming' one of them. 

It is not surprising that I have this urge to travel wide and far as I suffocate in the place I live and the people around me. I am notoriously known as a rule-breaker when I believe the so-called rules don't make sense. I feel so so alone in the sea of 7 billion humans when I am not being understood, having my own value and belief system so different from the others. I have learnt not to give a damn about how others think of me, fully aware that harsh judgement is just a character flaw beyond my control. Above all, I am frustrated by the society at large when changes are practically avoided, confined by 'that's just the way things are'. 

I am getting fed up with my playing small, holding back my purpose from the world that needs me exactly as me. I don't want to be part of mediocrity and I refuse to apologise for being different. The more I spend time contemplating about my life (or rather existence), the more listless I feel about the state of the world as it is, and although I ain't no activist or environmentalist by nature, I am paying more and more attention to the social issues and if I am right about my gut-feeling, I must do something to make the world a better place to be. 

Identity Problem...

If you were to ask me to describe myself in a few words, it would probably take me forever to come up with something appropriate. I don't have a problem with words (I can't even be sure of that) but I find that I have lost my sense of identity. It is true that my thoughts and actions create my identity, that my past experiences shaped who I have become but who the hell am I when I am profoundly confused? 

There is a lot of anger in me ready to lash out at the slightest trigger. We all get angry because something isn't going our way (and you can imagine how much anger is generated if nothing goes our way!). I certainly understand that my universe isn't everyone else's universe so I suppose my anger boils down to social injustice, issues such as poverty, racism, work ethic, etc...even the issue of euthanasia if you ask me.

Sad isn't it as I am fully aware that the social issues cannot be resolved over night or by one person. Idealistic or not, I feel so helpless and hopeless, stuck deep in the rut without the means to get myself out. What is the lesson beneath my predicament? Yes, I have a difficult time accepting the harsh reality of life; as I keep saying that this is no place for humans. Saying that life isn't fair is an understatement. Why do bad things keep popping up? Yes, I am one in 7 billion who is getting the bad deal and I do understand the concept of gratitude, knowing that there are indeed people in worse situation than mine. But why the compare? It never do anything to anyone in practical terms! 

On the whole, it is depressing, especially for someone as sensitive as I am. I guess it shows in my way of 'living' in this world (or this part of the world to be precise). I hardly get out of my flat and when I do, I turn myself off mentally to dissociate myself from my immediate reality. I am a walking zombie without a heart. I try to minimise the chance of interaction as my fuse is short and I have no intention of pissing people off which they don't deserve. Meanwhile I divert my energy and attention to what I enjoy doing like making art and organising is open eye meditation to me. Reading is another gateway to my dream world when anger strikes.

So to describe myself in a few words? totally fucked up and lost, helpless and better to be dead.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME...

We all go through phases at different points of life and as I am officially turning mid-40 tomorrow, I can't help but review my latest passion / interests, and here is what I have found: I have been checking out a few websites, signed up for subscription, and seriously considering the issues which speak to me loud and clear, a sign from the universe to go ahead to help change the world to a better place to be.

Have a look at the following websites:

• The centre for a new American dream
• Institute for humane education
• The story of stuff project
• The gift circle

My attention to philanthropy didn't start over night. In fact, I have been signing up at various NGOs and did some volunteering work in the past couple of months; duties I was drawn to for no special reasons but nevertheless feeling right about. A better world, a meaningful life, is something I have been contemplating and struggling with in the past few decades; only to be intensified recently as I become more restless and unhappy about the environment where I live. I have second thoughts if the things that I have been doing matter. and how to inject more meaning to my existing life? 

Here are some questions which you could ask yourself to find out what gets you out of bed in the morning:

• What is important to you? What do you value most? 
• How can you use your passions to give back to the world?
• What makes your life worth living?
• Are you aware / mindful of your daily actions and keep them on track?
• Are you focused in what you do, aligning your goal with something you are passionate about?
• Are you spending you time / money on experiences or material stuff?
• Can you be more compassionate toward yourself, and to others?
• How can you give back to the world that honors your beliefs and passions?
• Can you simplify your life?
• Are you setting daily goals that you find fulfilling and meaningful?

To me, meaning / fulfillment is definitely more important than money. Money is only useful up to a certain point and depression sets in when there is no reason to wake up in the morning (albeit a fat account sitting in the bank). I don't know if this is part of the aging process but I am making qualities like purpose, intrinsic satisfaction and meaning a priority. Authentic relationships, sustainable business, purposeful travel, to name but a few.

I feel more than ever to make a difference, to become a part of a community which lives a sustainable lifestyle. I have no desire to purchase more and am content with what I do have. I would always choose to accept a lower income and a lower level of consumption in order to have more time to pursue other life goals. Yes, it involves a change of lifestyle, but a worthy change nonetheless. As I mentioned on my webpage, travel is an absolute necessity to me, and I never travel without a reason. As a matter of fact, I am getting more and more interested in voluntourism these days, whereby people add community responsibilities to their travel itinerary. 

I don't believe I can change the world by myself but I am working on taking time to nourish relationships, eating local / seasonal produce, playing more, engaging in fulfilling work (paid or unpaid), getting involved in a community whenever I can, and to rest as much as my body needs.

So on the eve of my birthday, I wish to say thank you for reading my posts. 

Why am I doing this???

I was updating my website and re-read the list of things I have done in the past few years, I realized that I have ventured quite a bit both geographically and mentally. There are projects I have initiated and completed but nobody seems to know about them as I haven't been actively marketing my products. There are projects in my heads demanding to be born, and there are some which I simply dismiss as wishful thinking.

My passion and belief that 'I can' is the underlying foundation upon which I incessantly bring my projects out into the world. My likes and passion do change overtime and that is all the more reason to act on them before they become obsolete, believing that there is a message waiting to be shared and that I have the brain to make it happen. 

There has been a lot of changes, most of them challenging and involving some kind of sacrifice. Leaving the comfort zone is almost a constant but I get used to it. One of the major decisions was to let go of the need to be employed full-time in the conventional sense and to accept that it is just fine to be teaching on a freelance basis. I have more time to work on my own business and making art is now a scheduled activity. 

I can only tell you that to be doing what you love is an amazing feeling. Checking the stats doesn't interest me a bit. All I care is that if there is one person who visits my website, subscribes to my newsletter, reads my blog and feels good about him/herself, I consider my job well done. To me, sharing my thoughts and get my messages across with my words mean the world to me. I hope my efforts help my readers to be confident to be who they are, and be inspired and encouraged enough to live a different way of life.

To be completely honest, this is hard work; much harder than being an employee who simply sign in and out at specific times, without a doubt getting a paycheck at the end of the month. It is a daily effort to keep the passion burning. The hours you put in, the need to learn new software in order to make the business works, the tears and frustration when you tap on the wrong key by accident, and the anxiety of not generating an income are only a few of the many complications to put up with in exchange of doing what you love. But it is worth it.

I do believe that the world needs people like us to be unabashedly sharing our uniqueness and perspectives, inspiring and encouraging each other to be their authentic selves. I can't do this without you, my readers and subscribers who continue to read my weekly messages and pass them on to their circle of friends. Thank you for keeping my passion alive.

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