A peace of mind

I don't sleep well these days; waking up a few times throughout the night and being sick with a nasty cold doesn't help does it? Medication no longer has full power over me and no wonder I feel jittery and scattered, as if I am somehow falling apart and withering away. I lack a peace of mind.

I have been relentlessly sending out job applications and it is a miracle to get response from a few who are impressed by my qualification and experience. However, I got my hopes up and the correspondence stopped before I had a chance to an interview. I learn to accept the ebbs and flows of life and in this case, let go of things which I have no control over. 

I am also comfortable with who I am without make-up, without a mask. I won't trade my reality for a role, or my truth for an act, never mind giving up my freedom of thought. Maybe that is why I am still unemployed...or my last job didn't last.

I always find time meditating, even for just 10 minutes. These are the moments when all worries and care of the world are dropped and I am free from external pressure. I can experience myself in these moments of solitude.

Making art is one of my top priorities.  When I can get into the flow and peace of mind is inevitable. Teaching is another passion of mine which is the source of my greatest achievements and my finest moments.

I learn to give up regrets and excuses as they are things that have already happened (maybe that's also the reason I never like history) and cannot be undone. I have also learnt to accept the feeling of not knowing where I am going, while appreciate the freedom that lies within. It is only when I am suspended in mid-air that I force my wings to open , trusting the wind to carry me forward.

One other thing I learned is to minimise my exposure to negative news. It all started with 9-11 when the terror swept my entire being and there was nothing I could have done in front of the TV screen. Episodes of natural disasters are getting more frequent and the news are eating up our souls. 

And ever since I started to live with intention and the idea of simplicity and minimalism, I no longer measure my success by material wealth. It is the process of focusing my life around specific and authentically held intentions that I feel the sense of peace. 

And above all, I learned that life is change . Things change. People and circumstances come and go. Life goes on regardless. The world doesn't revolve around me. I learn to begin the next chapter in my life when things change unexpectedly rather than resist them. 

I am sure there are more to attaining a peace of mind and I am still exploring...

Are you comparing yourself to others?

One of the many reasons that I am not active on Facebook is that I am not interested in what others have done or achieved, as comparison doesn't do me good but drain my energy which can be better applied to my own tasks and projects where I find satisfaction. I don't like comparing my beginning to someone else's middle, my middle to someone else's end. As there's always someone ahead of us, we are never good enough by comparison. It is okay to be where you are while you continue moving forward. Comparing yourself to others can be silly at best and harmful at worst. What works for others will not necessarily work for you. What works for you this very moment may not even work for you long term. Working at a corporate job with a lucrative pay-check and office politics doesn't give me the satisfaction but resentment as I loathe the rigid work hours sitting in a cubicle and the lack of personal time which an artist craves.

I am still learning to focus on what I have right now in my life rather than what I don't have. Things always look good and glamorous when we envy what others have but I do believe there is a cost that the 'successful' person has paid. A father might be missing out on the growth of his kid when he is away on business trip most of the year. Every 'achievement' carries a price in terms of time, money, energy and soul value. Don't trade off your value for something which looks enticing on the surface but that you resent at the end of the day. I personally won't consider accepting a job offer if that means I am selling my soul to the company which doesn't appreciate creativity and my commitment.

Never settle for less than your dream

My resignation at my last job which lasted a month has triggered some serious contemplation as far as my 'career path' is concerned. Is my life moving forward in a direction that I love? What is stopping me from doing what I really want to do and living the life I want to live? I come to realise that there are certain reasons for not going after what I want:

I am scared every time I get an offer and this is the perfectionist in me who is being really hard on myself. 
I am still unsure of what I want in life, as in how I plan to spend the rest of my remaining years.
I am not technologically and business savvy enough to run my own business as a solopreneur.
I don't have the money / capital to live my dream life.
I suck in time management as I am a typical scanner.

Now if I am being honest to myself, are they valid reasons for not pursuing my dreams???

One thing I must emphasise from experience is this: NEVER settle for less than your dream. 

Our progress in life is never linear. I have a choice to prime whenever I decide to i.e. mid-40s. I mustn't settle for less based upon the fear of a worse second half. We are constantly learning something new, evolve intellectually and emotionally, all to prepare us to experience another prime. 

There will be obstacles small and large on the way but if you are working towards your dream, you have the energy, the passion, the creativity and the power to deal with the hiccups. 

How about asking yourself these questions and ponder upon them if you are still unsure of your dreams?

1. What do you really want? What will make you really happy? Why is this so important to you? How do you feel when you hear about or see someone living your dream? How much it really hurts not to follow your dream? What do you really gain if that milestone is achieved?
2. Visualise your dream life. Write in your journal. Collect more info to increase familiarity and awareness. 
3. Brainstorm ideas and thoughts about making your dreams a reality. Reach out to those who are living your dream for info and support.
4. Take actions.

What I learned from my work situation...

Starting over is not easy, especially at my age. I am disappointed at myself for quitting, for the uncontrollable emotions which I inappropriately expressed, and for my inability to stick to a job long enough. I literally fell apart.

As I calmed down over the holidays, I looked for the reason, my interpretation of what has happened. I learned a lot more about myself. I came to find out what I can and cannot do, my values, my strengths and weaknesses. It's eye-opening though sad. 

I was focusing on the end result i.e. the paycheck but resisted the difficulty of grinding it out so I gave up prematurely. I need to learn to find an approach to the daily grind that I can fall in love with. I need to learn to love the work because of the difficulty; knowing that just attempting it makes me stronger. 

Effort is exertion which may feel draining but it is required to get something done. When I stop resisting a challenge, it becomes easier because I am no longer fighting with myself. I realise that my biggest problem isn't the difficulty of the tasks before me. The required work is do-able. If I get busy doing the required work, I won't waste energy on unnecessary effort by piling on worry, complaining and avoidance behaviour.

To avoid giving up in the near future, I must constantly remind myself of that first step, tapping into my original enthusiasm.