Starting over is not easy, especially at my age. I am disappointed at myself for quitting, for the uncontrollable emotions which I inappropriately expressed, and for my inability to stick to a job long enough. I literally fell apart.
As I calmed down over the holidays, I looked for the reason, my interpretation of what has happened. I learned a lot more about myself. I came to find out what I can and cannot do, my values, my strengths and weaknesses. It's eye-opening though sad.
I was focusing on the end result i.e. the paycheck but resisted the difficulty of grinding it out so I gave up prematurely. I need to learn to find an approach to the daily grind that I can fall in love with. I need to learn to love the work because of the difficulty; knowing that just attempting it makes me stronger.
Effort is exertion which may feel draining but it is required to get something done. When I stop resisting a challenge, it becomes easier because I am no longer fighting with myself. I realise that my biggest problem isn't the difficulty of the tasks before me. The required work is do-able. If I get busy doing the required work, I won't waste energy on unnecessary effort by piling on worry, complaining and avoidance behaviour.
To avoid giving up in the near future, I must constantly remind myself of that first step, tapping into my original enthusiasm.
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