I must admit that I feel like shit after the phonics lessons with the K1-K3 kids in the past 3 weeks. I have taught phonics before with much success and I follow a system so kids progress at an alarming rate and there is no words to describe how proud I was of them who could pronounce any word given to them at the age of 6. But my experience at this new job has proved otherwise; my confidence is plummeting and I feel I am just incompetent in what I thought I do well. I have major problem disciplining the kids and I am assuming the kids get nothing out of my classes and I can't help but being terrified every time I see them waiting at the foyer. I wish I could just vanish into thin air.
Why is it so hard to accept that life is not perfect? Maybe there is a certain kind of freedom within our imperfections? Maybe I am being too hard on both my students and myself from the very beginning, and not seeing speedy progress is equivalent to failure. Am I too proud to seek help from others? Why would I expect all the kids are born indigo children? Instead of trying to live up to some perfect image (of a teacher) that I press upon myself, maybe I should set human standards for myself.
After much contemplation, I guess it all comes down to what I care about. Instead of focusing about the results, I should put in the work. Instead of worrying about the problems, I should focus on the solution. Instead of caring how others think of me, I should pay attention to who I want to be and what I want to do. Maybe I shouldn't care about doing it right but doing it regardless. As I was preparing my lesson plans for the coming week, I decided to set a lower standard for both my students and myself. I am going to cut myself some slack and by being imperfect, I can do what is important instead of out of necessity. Perfectionism steals my inner peace when I require everything to be perfect. It's about time to accept things as 'good enough' before I fall apart with a nervous breakdown.
Trying to be perfect in everything I do is futile when the definition of perfection is different from one person to the next. What I believe to be the best work could be rewarded with harsh criticism from my boss. I would probably have saved myself hours doing unnecessary preparation work if I had simply accepted 'good enough' to be enough. No wonder I get burn out so easily when I tend to give everything I do 110% and push myself to make things perfect all of the time. And guess why I am still single and alone???
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