My understanding of DEATH

I have lost my cousin and my dad recently and to be honest, I stopped crying soon after the cremation and instead learned a few things in the process of grieving. Of course I miss them and I think of them every so often but I am now less fearsome than ever in 'living' my remaining years. 

Aging in itself is a slow and torturous process. I feel my soul has long gone to join the dead and medication, being one of my major expenses, is the remedy to fix the temporary problems both physically and mentally and to keep my zombie self function. This body of mine is simply a shell and is sustained with long term medication, which can be discarded anytime. I don't know how much longer before my body dies on me but the more I think about the issue of mortality, the more I am at peace with myself.

I am not religious and the reward of an afterlife doesn't exist in my vocabulary. Simply put, I am not at all afraid of death; being fully aware of the inevitability of a phase as humans. All I want is to make sure that I am allowed to cross over in ways of my choice. Euthanasia if I have a terminal illness and dying alone in the snow if killing myself is the only option. Maybe this is one of the many reasons that I opt to stay single and alone. Being a mystery as it is, we cannot hurry it (unless committing suicide) or delay it (with even more medication and technology), I can only train myself to accept what happens (say in an accident) and take life a day at a time. I am also more mindful in each moment these days and go easy with a lot of things. And this could well be the attraction to a simple life.

We are not born to stay forever. In fact, we are spiritual beings visiting the physical world like a tourist. Having a body which requires constant repair is not funny and there is nothing wrong with choosing death over life; being both sides of the same coin. I personally feel that I am a stardust hanging invisibly in the sky, filling space in the name of civilization. Why is it that we have no right to choose to exist or not? One of my favourite sayings is: This too shall pass. It has helped me many times over when I was in difficult situations of adversity. We are all fleeting away and I always remind myself of the impermanence of everything, that now is all I have in this moment. 

When my time comes, I shall gladly receive the gift, knowing that it is the best time to go. 

Here is a poem I wish to dedicate to my readers and myself:

I know death is just around the corner
We are playing hide-and-seek
The clock is ticking all right
But the battery is running low.

I am not surprised 
To see the corpse of my father.
Free of pain and diseases
Sleeping well in peace.

Life is full of challenges and opportunities 
But it can get overwhelming
When the body stops working 
The visit is over.

Why be so concerned with our differences
When we all share a common fate of finality.
There is always enough
But nothing goes into the grave.

On Freedom...

Ever since I was a little girl, I have been obsessed with freedom (in multiple forms) and being independent. I was the ugly and odd one out at school, a misfit among my schoolmates because I was different from them, while being adamant not to follow the herd. I'd rather be bullied than 'becoming' one of them. 

It is not surprising that I have this urge to travel wide and far as I suffocate in the place I live and the people around me. I am notoriously known as a rule-breaker when I believe the so-called rules don't make sense. I feel so so alone in the sea of 7 billion humans when I am not being understood, having my own value and belief system so different from the others. I have learnt not to give a damn about how others think of me, fully aware that harsh judgement is just a character flaw beyond my control. Above all, I am frustrated by the society at large when changes are practically avoided, confined by 'that's just the way things are'. 

I am getting fed up with my playing small, holding back my purpose from the world that needs me exactly as me. I don't want to be part of mediocrity and I refuse to apologise for being different. The more I spend time contemplating about my life (or rather existence), the more listless I feel about the state of the world as it is, and although I ain't no activist or environmentalist by nature, I am paying more and more attention to the social issues and if I am right about my gut-feeling, I must do something to make the world a better place to be. 

Identity Problem...

If you were to ask me to describe myself in a few words, it would probably take me forever to come up with something appropriate. I don't have a problem with words (I can't even be sure of that) but I find that I have lost my sense of identity. It is true that my thoughts and actions create my identity, that my past experiences shaped who I have become but who the hell am I when I am profoundly confused? 

There is a lot of anger in me ready to lash out at the slightest trigger. We all get angry because something isn't going our way (and you can imagine how much anger is generated if nothing goes our way!). I certainly understand that my universe isn't everyone else's universe so I suppose my anger boils down to social injustice, issues such as poverty, racism, work ethic, etc...even the issue of euthanasia if you ask me.

Sad isn't it as I am fully aware that the social issues cannot be resolved over night or by one person. Idealistic or not, I feel so helpless and hopeless, stuck deep in the rut without the means to get myself out. What is the lesson beneath my predicament? Yes, I have a difficult time accepting the harsh reality of life; as I keep saying that this is no place for humans. Saying that life isn't fair is an understatement. Why do bad things keep popping up? Yes, I am one in 7 billion who is getting the bad deal and I do understand the concept of gratitude, knowing that there are indeed people in worse situation than mine. But why the compare? It never do anything to anyone in practical terms! 

On the whole, it is depressing, especially for someone as sensitive as I am. I guess it shows in my way of 'living' in this world (or this part of the world to be precise). I hardly get out of my flat and when I do, I turn myself off mentally to dissociate myself from my immediate reality. I am a walking zombie without a heart. I try to minimise the chance of interaction as my fuse is short and I have no intention of pissing people off which they don't deserve. Meanwhile I divert my energy and attention to what I enjoy doing like making art and organising is open eye meditation to me. Reading is another gateway to my dream world when anger strikes.

So to describe myself in a few words? totally fucked up and lost, helpless and better to be dead.