Identity Problem...

If you were to ask me to describe myself in a few words, it would probably take me forever to come up with something appropriate. I don't have a problem with words (I can't even be sure of that) but I find that I have lost my sense of identity. It is true that my thoughts and actions create my identity, that my past experiences shaped who I have become but who the hell am I when I am profoundly confused? 

There is a lot of anger in me ready to lash out at the slightest trigger. We all get angry because something isn't going our way (and you can imagine how much anger is generated if nothing goes our way!). I certainly understand that my universe isn't everyone else's universe so I suppose my anger boils down to social injustice, issues such as poverty, racism, work ethic, etc...even the issue of euthanasia if you ask me.

Sad isn't it as I am fully aware that the social issues cannot be resolved over night or by one person. Idealistic or not, I feel so helpless and hopeless, stuck deep in the rut without the means to get myself out. What is the lesson beneath my predicament? Yes, I have a difficult time accepting the harsh reality of life; as I keep saying that this is no place for humans. Saying that life isn't fair is an understatement. Why do bad things keep popping up? Yes, I am one in 7 billion who is getting the bad deal and I do understand the concept of gratitude, knowing that there are indeed people in worse situation than mine. But why the compare? It never do anything to anyone in practical terms! 

On the whole, it is depressing, especially for someone as sensitive as I am. I guess it shows in my way of 'living' in this world (or this part of the world to be precise). I hardly get out of my flat and when I do, I turn myself off mentally to dissociate myself from my immediate reality. I am a walking zombie without a heart. I try to minimise the chance of interaction as my fuse is short and I have no intention of pissing people off which they don't deserve. Meanwhile I divert my energy and attention to what I enjoy doing like making art and organising is open eye meditation to me. Reading is another gateway to my dream world when anger strikes.

So to describe myself in a few words? totally fucked up and lost, helpless and better to be dead.