Beat the kindergartens...

I was on the verge of tears this past week after my 4 hours of teaching at the centre. I was so so disappointed at myself; as I felt that I wasn't delivering the lessons as expected and my lesson plans simply weren't good enough. There was no satisfaction in getting the students occupied but not quite learning what they were coming for. No, nobody complained about my incompetence but I have a hard time accepting mediocrity. Yes, I am a perfectionist and possibly an over-achiever too!

After much contemplation, I decide:

1. to accept my strengths and weaknesses, knowing that there is only so much I can do 
2. that I cannot possibly control everything; that everyone has his own battles and priorities, and I can only control my way of thinking
3. that I don't need to prove anything to anyone
4. to forget the past mistakes and move on
5. to be proactive rather than reactive
6. not to compromise my values for anything
7. to live in the moment and at my own pace
8. to let go whatever is holding me back
9. to take myself less seriously

I didn't see the challenges and trials when I signed the work contract. What I expect to happen and the reality of the situation are 2 different things. I feel defeated when I am not in control. Teaching kindergartens phonics should have been a piece of cake to me except it wasn't. What I have experienced in the past month has woke me up to a few issues:

• Not every kid was born an indigo child or gifted and every student should be given a chance to succeed
• life isn't fair, period.
• life is hard
• I don't have the power to change anyone other than myself
• I am not in this world to live up to others' expectations, nor should I feel that others are here to live up to mine
• when I stop expecting people to be a certain way, I can begin to appreciate them
• not being okay all the time is perfectly okay

It is very unlikely that I can get stuck in a situation like this after 12 years of teaching. Maybe I have never been good with kids under 6 years old! I am well and truly beaten by kindergartens but I am not gonna surrender but focus on feasible, actionable-right-now tasks. I am going to make every lesson more fun and effective. There will be more challenges ahead of me to be overcome. I will be putting in more work and make what is 'impossible' an accomplishment.

Screw 'perfectionism'!

I must admit that I feel like shit after the phonics lessons with the K1-K3 kids in the past 3 weeks. I have taught phonics before with much success and I follow a system so kids progress at an alarming rate and there is no words to describe how proud I was of them who could pronounce any word given to them at the age of 6. But my experience at this new job has proved otherwise; my confidence is plummeting and I feel I am just incompetent in what I thought I do well. I have major problem disciplining the kids and I am assuming the kids get nothing out of my classes and I can't help but being terrified every time I see them waiting at the foyer. I wish I could just vanish into thin air. 

Why is it so hard to accept that life is not perfect? Maybe there is a certain kind of freedom within our imperfections? Maybe I am being too hard on both my students and myself from the very beginning, and not seeing speedy progress is equivalent to failure. Am I too proud to seek help from others? Why would I expect all the kids are born indigo children? Instead of trying to live up to some perfect image (of a teacher) that I press upon myself, maybe I should set human standards for myself. 

After much contemplation, I guess it all comes down to what I care about. Instead of focusing about the results, I should put in the work. Instead of worrying about the problems, I should focus on the solution. Instead of caring how others think of me, I should pay attention to who I want to be and what I want to do. Maybe I shouldn't care about doing it right but doing it regardless. As I was preparing my lesson plans for the coming week, I decided to set a lower standard for both my students and myself. I am going to cut myself some slack and by being imperfect, I can do what is important instead of out of necessity. Perfectionism steals my inner peace when I require everything to be perfect. It's about time to accept things as 'good enough' before I fall apart with a nervous breakdown. 

Trying to be perfect in everything I do is futile when the definition of perfection is different from one person to the next. What I believe to be the best work could be rewarded with harsh criticism from my boss. I would probably have saved myself hours doing unnecessary preparation work if I had simply accepted 'good enough' to be enough. No wonder I get burn out so easily when I tend to give everything I do 110% and push myself to make things perfect all of the time. And guess why I am still single and alone???

How to be more organised...

As my planner continues to fill up with my part-time job, my private English lessons, and other networking and volunteering assignments, I am coming out of hibernation into a 'busy' mode, trying to squeeze in everything onto the page with little room to breathe. Before I feel overwhelmed and stressed out, I need to organise my life a bit and maybe you can use some of my ideas to get yours in control too.

As my ex-employer said to me ages ago, nothing is that urgent and everything can wait unless it is a life or death situation. I need to keep reminding myself what role I am playing at different time of the day, knowing that there is only so much I can give.

Priority is everything! Narrow down what you want to achieve in the next few months,  and create a routine to fulfill a small step everyday which is related to your said priorities. Take out tasks which are unrelated to your goals so you can focus on the ones which move you forward. I love creating my to-do list on my monthly planner and it is my bible to get anything done at all. I check with my list everyday to make sure I have my priorities cleared and tasks done to facilitate the process. I always go for planners with the time on the side so I can write down the places I need to be in chronological order. Schedule in every single appointment and chores to be done is extremely calming and mind freeing.

To make my planner more pleasing to the eyes, I color code my tasks based on project types. I try to keep everything in one planner (an A4 size one is just perfect!) and only use a Steno-notebook for ideas and drafting on the go. 

Meanwhile, I suggest leaving a generous margin in your schedule as back to back appointments don't work in real life. Shits always happen such as the traffic, an unexpected shower on a sunny day, or stains from your favourite pasta on your shirt. I like to have a leeway in between to account for the unexpected and as a result, I won't be devastated when shits hit the fan. Personally I am the least creative when I run on the wheel without pause. Running on autopilot is not my style and I like to make everything I do with intention. Downtime is a must for me as I need the space and time alone with my own thoughts.

I have hitherto learned to accept that I can do anything but not everything.It takes a lot of effort to decide on spending time on things that matter but it's so worth it. I don't believe in long term planning and creating a weekly/ monthly schedule is the best I can do.