fed up with 'not being dead'

I was chatting with an old friend of mine the other day when the subject of life purpose came up followed by a pretty long conversation sharing our different perspectives. To me, life has come to a halt a few years ago when I stopped teaching privately and not having 'a job' for so long has brought about bouts of depressive episodes, with so much time in my hands and potential locked up inside of me, when my days were spent / wasted  watching DVDs, reading crime fictions and junk literature. I sleep a lot too as it's easier to kill time when unconscious. It seems to me that I am in the midst of retirement and it takes a lot of effort to keep myself alive. I could have easily shot myself in the head if I had a pistol on hand.

Life is just so meaningless it seems. There is nothing to do, nowhere to go. Nothing interests me and I feel like a wreck. I am just a mass occupying space. Is this what I get in exchange for freedom? I don't have a family, or dependents, not even friends. I don't have anything valuable in possession. I don't have a mortgage or a car. I am literally free from any attachment. I am free to take my life whenever I want as no-one would even notice. So what kind of life is this when there is nothing to look forward to, nothing to be responsible for and waking up in the morning being the worst nightmare?

Wouldn't it be neat if we could just turn our body off functioning and get out of this material world when we see fit?

On having enough...

So much money has been thrown into the sea of advertising and the only reason behind the facade is to sell things to consumers whose minds have been awashed with the false sense of security which they believe stuff could bring; and meanwhile being hooked on to the new and the latest like a parasite. Advertising implants a fantasy in our minds that we instantly want, with a feeling of lack wherever we turn to. I used to purchase fashion catalogue for my online purchase of work clothes and looking back, I am not sure if I was avant-garde or just plain dumb. I am no longer interested in the pretty boxed advertisement and a huge 'no junk' label is conspicuous on my letterbox. I opt out by not watching ads. I hated it when I see ads popping up on websites and I steer clear from them. Isn't it loud and clear that these are just gimmicks which warrant a psychological effects on our brains which can be detrimental if we don't put a stop to it?

I am hardly spending money these days. I guess the supply is much greater than my demand for stuff and it has come this far that I am no longer interested in getting more. I find window shopping pointless and exhausting. I have stopped visiting bookshops as my little home library is beaming with books which I haven't touched since the purchase. Thanks to the weather, I prefer to stay in in an air-conditioned room to being out in the scorching heat. I am also testing myself if I can survive without having something I always have such as my Chanel bleue. I believe I have the basic neccessities met so more things and more money doesn't make me any happier. 

The moment you decide on the road to minimalism, it is the beginning to an awareness as to how much you really need to be happy. There is no way back to the excesses offered by consumerism. Once you find a better way, there is no way back to the place your thoughts and actions lived before. When you have come to the realization that you already have enough, then you are ready to embark on the journey of unconsuming. That is liberation to me.

Excess=Success???

I am not claiming myself to be a die-hard minimalist but my experience with shopping malls recently has been quite revealing; I don't bother visiting them at all, including bookshops for this matter. Now that is alarming for a booklover like me.

It's not that I can't afford to buy things as there is always a plastic card nearby but I honestly find the process of shopping and purchasing dead boring, there is just too much of everything everywhere I look, and I am not impressed by the signs for sales at all. The excess is so obvious that it is entirely possible to ignore the whole facade and walk on by. 

What is success to you could be different from my definition and it is okay. However, success can never be equivalent to excessive material possessions. To me it is a sign of lacking confidence and a disguise used to boost up status and power. To me, it is just plain old dumb to cover the real you with a veil of false glamour, made up of faked diamonds and precious stones. In a way not unlike posting on Facebook and other similar platforms where one can brag about the purchase of the latest limited edition from the Channel warehouse. 

We are living in a world of excess. We buy in the name of a better economy. Even a child can see through the lie of this vicious cycle which is doing no-one any good but detrimental to the society and the environment. Do you dream of greater accomplishments, of something greater than material excess? I personally desire significance, influence, to be able to use my gifts to make the world better, that my life matters for something. Above all, I desire freedom and opportunity, to be known and accepted for who I am. I don't ever for once equate material excess with lasting success.

Money earned through honest means and real effort deserves recognition but how can we ever know the source of someone's income which affords him/ her a penthouse and a private plane? I believe there are better things to do with our hard earned cash than spending on accumulating excess. Then there is the environmental factor we should consider before we splurge. The wealth / poverty gap is big enough to show us what greed can do to the world. Comparison with others results in envy, and contentment is something far reaching and unattainable.

I am so so tired of this world of excessive consumerism and I know that I cannot change the world by myself which explains why I am constantly attracted to simple living and the nature found in Scotland and the countryside. I crave home-made gourmet and not frozen meals, I want to buy from the farmer's market, not chain supermarket, I like to see my time well spent on things that add value to myself and others, not to take up any job for the sake of the monthly paycheck. 

I am not rich but I have enough. I see myself pretty successful because I have made a positive impact on my students. I am enough.