I feel that I am floating through life merely existing. At mid-forties, I have no accomplishment to be proud of, no one I can confide in. I am still unemployed, and my bank account is still in the red. In other words, I don't exactly have a life and I might as well be dead.
There is nothing that I look forward to, nothing that I find stimulating and nothing really matters anymore. I am just taking up physical space without anything to contribute. How I wish to have some sort of incurable disease or even better, a fatal accident. Trust me, nobody will show up at my funeral (not that I need one) and it's most likely that no one will notice that I have vanished into thin air.
I am not scared of failure as it's the norm in my life. I wonder what the dark tunnel is like instead.
I have given up on love and life long time ago; as my body gives way to aging and the idea of love turns me off in the harsh reality of surviving in a concrete jungle. Getting up in the morning (afternoon in fact) is terrifying as I have nothing to do or kill time with. Getting through daily life is just mind-numbing.
I don't see myself making a difference to this world, and I have no idea what I want anymore than being a corpse in the wild, feeding the wild animals with my flesh and blood. And I won't feel it.
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