burn-out already!

The heat and the stress have finally taken their toll on my wellbeing over the weekend. I couldn't fall asleep until 5am even after taken an extra dose of medication. I kept waking up and by the time I opened my eyes again, it's 3pm but I didn't feel fully rested. My eyes were swollen and I felt restless.I guess this must be a sign of burn out which seems to occur more frequently as I age.

My heart is definitely not here in Hong Kong. I find breathing extremely difficult in the weather like this and I'd do anything to get myself out of this hell of an oven. Yes, I can always fly back to Melbourne to escape the summer but I have financial difficulties after being unemployed for so so long. Now that I am working part-time, which is better than nothing at all, I can't afford to quit and simply take off. On top of that, I am having problem handling the K1-K3 kids where I teach. It is indeed a challenge which I am determined to overcome by creating better lesson plans and training myself with more patience. Visiting the chemist has become a routine when I need steroid and antibiotics for my skin problems which flare up big time in weather like this. 

I find it hard to be grateful when I seem to be stuck in a rut and when I am in physical pain. Burnout is inevitable when you are a type A person. Yes, I need to slow down and be less hostile. Being a perfectionist, I am extra hard on myself when it comes to failure so I need to decide on being good enough rather than being perfect. My so called life is all about working for a living, for survival, and reading and sleeping are my means of escapism. I exist, therefore I am. 

Is this the way to live???

Beat the kindergartens...

I was on the verge of tears this past week after my 4 hours of teaching at the centre. I was so so disappointed at myself; as I felt that I wasn't delivering the lessons as expected and my lesson plans simply weren't good enough. There was no satisfaction in getting the students occupied but not quite learning what they were coming for. No, nobody complained about my incompetence but I have a hard time accepting mediocrity. Yes, I am a perfectionist and possibly an over-achiever too!

After much contemplation, I decide:

1. to accept my strengths and weaknesses, knowing that there is only so much I can do 
2. that I cannot possibly control everything; that everyone has his own battles and priorities, and I can only control my way of thinking
3. that I don't need to prove anything to anyone
4. to forget the past mistakes and move on
5. to be proactive rather than reactive
6. not to compromise my values for anything
7. to live in the moment and at my own pace
8. to let go whatever is holding me back
9. to take myself less seriously

I didn't see the challenges and trials when I signed the work contract. What I expect to happen and the reality of the situation are 2 different things. I feel defeated when I am not in control. Teaching kindergartens phonics should have been a piece of cake to me except it wasn't. What I have experienced in the past month has woke me up to a few issues:

• Not every kid was born an indigo child or gifted and every student should be given a chance to succeed
• life isn't fair, period.
• life is hard
• I don't have the power to change anyone other than myself
• I am not in this world to live up to others' expectations, nor should I feel that others are here to live up to mine
• when I stop expecting people to be a certain way, I can begin to appreciate them
• not being okay all the time is perfectly okay

It is very unlikely that I can get stuck in a situation like this after 12 years of teaching. Maybe I have never been good with kids under 6 years old! I am well and truly beaten by kindergartens but I am not gonna surrender but focus on feasible, actionable-right-now tasks. I am going to make every lesson more fun and effective. There will be more challenges ahead of me to be overcome. I will be putting in more work and make what is 'impossible' an accomplishment.

Screw 'perfectionism'!

I must admit that I feel like shit after the phonics lessons with the K1-K3 kids in the past 3 weeks. I have taught phonics before with much success and I follow a system so kids progress at an alarming rate and there is no words to describe how proud I was of them who could pronounce any word given to them at the age of 6. But my experience at this new job has proved otherwise; my confidence is plummeting and I feel I am just incompetent in what I thought I do well. I have major problem disciplining the kids and I am assuming the kids get nothing out of my classes and I can't help but being terrified every time I see them waiting at the foyer. I wish I could just vanish into thin air. 

Why is it so hard to accept that life is not perfect? Maybe there is a certain kind of freedom within our imperfections? Maybe I am being too hard on both my students and myself from the very beginning, and not seeing speedy progress is equivalent to failure. Am I too proud to seek help from others? Why would I expect all the kids are born indigo children? Instead of trying to live up to some perfect image (of a teacher) that I press upon myself, maybe I should set human standards for myself. 

After much contemplation, I guess it all comes down to what I care about. Instead of focusing about the results, I should put in the work. Instead of worrying about the problems, I should focus on the solution. Instead of caring how others think of me, I should pay attention to who I want to be and what I want to do. Maybe I shouldn't care about doing it right but doing it regardless. As I was preparing my lesson plans for the coming week, I decided to set a lower standard for both my students and myself. I am going to cut myself some slack and by being imperfect, I can do what is important instead of out of necessity. Perfectionism steals my inner peace when I require everything to be perfect. It's about time to accept things as 'good enough' before I fall apart with a nervous breakdown. 

Trying to be perfect in everything I do is futile when the definition of perfection is different from one person to the next. What I believe to be the best work could be rewarded with harsh criticism from my boss. I would probably have saved myself hours doing unnecessary preparation work if I had simply accepted 'good enough' to be enough. No wonder I get burn out so easily when I tend to give everything I do 110% and push myself to make things perfect all of the time. And guess why I am still single and alone???